(There's a bug in Rapidweaver that changes image sizes on the fly. I was about 25% into this piece when an errant mistype on my part triggered the bug and I lost everything. I've just finished shouting "fuck-fuck-fuck" over and over again and am now ready to try and re-type from memory everything I've already written. Dammit. Okay, here we go)

After the unprecedented response (2 comments!) to my last retro magazine post about Omaha (see below), I thought it wise to return to the well and mine some comedy from the stylistic foibles of an Omaha era gone by. This time, it's an Omaha Magazine from July 1981. I found this rummaging through piles of musty crap in the basement of an antique shop downtown. I picked it up and flipped right to a page with someone I know well on it. Karma? Kismet? An unexplained occurrence the likes of which you'd hear about in those old commercials for the Time Life Mysteries of the Unexplained book series? No, probably just a coincidence.

As the Black Eyed Peas said, let's get it started. (Although in the original version they said let's get retarded, but that's probably applicable here as well):



Omaha: When the Living is Easy

It's pretty disingenuous to represent Omaha as an antebellum plantation kind of town. It is not now, nor was it ever, some syrupy southern locale. The girl on the front, pretty though she is, has on 1981-appropriate amounts of "Muriel Hemingway" applied makeup and is sporting an off-the-shoulder number that would befit Naomi from Mama's Family.

Unfortunately, Omaha Magazine was and is one of the most bone-dry boring publications in existence. So there isn't much content, but I dug for just the high points. Let's dig in, shalle we?



Quite a rogues gallery we have here. Back before Omaha had ACTION! News 3 there was Action News 6. Which news was more action-ey? Well, while the current 3 may be louder, there were actual journalists and newsy news-folk at 6. On here you have Gary Kerr (top left), a titan of Omaha news product of the 80's. Next to Gary is Tom Bevaqua,er.. Byron Wood, who was also around forever. Below Tom Byron is Dale Munson. Dale Munson was the man! He didn't just give you the weather, he made you FEEL it. Third down on the left is Dave Webber, who still rocks it with sports here in Omaha. Directly to Dave's right is Peter Citron. The less said about him, the better. He had some "issues" that sent him away for a while. We'll leave it at that. (But feel free to Google)

I honestly can't remember any of these other people, although I'm sure they were swell.

UPDATE: Thanks to Bub-G in the comments who jogged my addled memory and reminded me that the fella at top right is perennial Omaha favorite Byron Wood, and not the lovable Tom Bevaqua.



Most of the content on this page is meaningless, but I would like to focus on the cartoon. You see, back in the day people used to "cruise" Dodge street. I need to mention up front that the cruising they did wasn't like the cruising that Larry Craig was doing in the Minneapolis airport men's room. This was done in cars and sex was only loosely connected to the activity. The youngsters who were looking for a place to go were at constant odds with Omaha, which never offered them a place to go. So they'd take their cars, some hot rods and most shitboxes, and cruise Dodge street primarily in front of the then-relevant Crossroads Mall. It was a social event. For the most part it was peaceful, although some of the business owners complained, as they always do. So the city of Omaha passed a "cruising ordinance." No shit. Like some kind of crazy foreign government, Omaha enacted a driving law that would allow Omaha police to ticket you for driving between 72nd and 84th on Dodge more than once per hour between 6pm and 6am. I was pretty young when that happened and I remember even then thinking how lame that law is and how much it will suck for pizza delivery guys. I believe the ordinance still stands, even though now kids just go get meth in Plattsmouth.



This was the first page I flipped to when I picked up this magazine. The guy in the middle, Don Quixote in a Members Only aviator shirt and yellow slacks? That's Paul Tranisi. I know him, although I didn't back in '81. I didn't have too many college friends when I was 7 years old. I later found out that local writer and woman about town Leslie Prisbell was also in this production. Or at least she thought she was. Small world? More like small town.

Also a word of warning. If you're attempting to grow a mustache like the gentleman on the right in this picture and it's filling in as such. Please stop. You look ridiculous. There's a kid at my gym who has had six hairs he's been cultivating 'neath his nose for a year now and they don't even looks as good as this guy's! So please, fellas. If you're not genetically predisposed to facial scruff then please nix it. I implore you.



I only scanned this in because R.B. Flynn looks like a man in 1981 should. Look at that suit, those wingtips, the hardcore 'stache. This man means business. You can easily imagine him speaking in the dulcet tones of James Earl Jones and closing business deals. This man is the shit and you only wish you could be this cool. Keep dreamin' Romeo.

Now the magic happens:



The fashion spread for Omaha Mag has always been pretty dubious. Omaha is not Milan, it's not New York and it's not L.A. It simply will most likely never be a center of the fashion industry, and that's okay. But still we try to portray ourselves as fashion forward. I've always been a little perplexed by this, because even back in '81 there were fashion magazines that did this job perfectly well. But some Omaha publications still insist on showing current fashion trends from an "Omaha" perspective. So here they are.

This particular look isn't actually all that terrible at first glance. The gigantic pant floats in and out of acceptable couture and one may be able to pull it off today if accessorized correctly. They bunch a little high on the waist and the top is timeless if extremely unflattering to the bust-line.

Do I sound like I know what I'm talking about? I'm just aping things I've heard on What Not To Wear. Regardless, this four-page spread is mostly a tribute to very soft focus. Like Zapruder film - "look there's bigfoot" - quality focus.



The top photo proves that the little black dress isn't timeless when paired with a fucking insane hairstyle. "Please give me a poofy mushroom head" must've been the request to the stylist. In the photo below the women look just a little too plain to be Bond villain ladies. More like "business-attire Mata Hari and Carmen SanDiego go to the piano bar" thing happening there.



It is so hard for me to imagine that this picture could give a guy a boner, yet that seems to be what they're aiming for. It's got kind of a Harlequin romance novel cover vibe. Like "she stared longingly out the window trying to discern the shapes and colors. After hours of this she realized the window was of stained glass and therefore too opaque to see through. Her heaving breast fluttered beneath the wide collar ruffle of her rose-red señorita dress..."

There's a very come-hither "let's do it on this uncomfortable piece of furniture" feeling she gives off.



Finally, there's the tea party dream sequence. A young Mia Farrow and a young Yoko Ono discuss their ugly clothes over tea. Oh, by the way dear photographer, it's pretty evident that those cups are empty.

The photo beneath has another menacing come-hither glance. She wants it... right here... in front of this mirror. Why? Who knows?



A full page ad for Plant Interiors by Greener Times. Ah, the 80's, back when ugly tangled vines constituted decor. But buyer beware, if you don't adequately water your plants, the bearded hawaiian-shirt gnome will come in the night with his yellow watering can and do it for you. Then he will torment your dreams and steal your soul.

You've been warned.

2 locations in 1981.

In 2007, 1 location. Astonishingly their Council Bluffs location is still there. Go fig.



Ah, the Food Section.

Making food photography appetizing is a risky business to be sure, but it doesn't help that all these recipes call for paté in one form or another. That big loaf in the center surrounded by the tiny pickles? That's made of chicken, ham, paté and other ingredients that when combined are too foul to mention. Suffice to say if you whipped that out at a picnic people would politely suggest you pick up a bucket of chicken next time.

Also, isn't Packing a Slicker Wicker a term for a sex act performed on a papasan chair while wearing a raincoat?



Who doesn't miss the days when headlines could be unabashedly vaguely racist? Those were the days.

Sure, this food looks pretty foul, but then again how good is Chinese food from Council Bluffs going to be?

Then you see this:



DId somebody order a plate of barf on rice noodles? Apparently. Kind of a chop suey kablooey right there. Ugh.

Do not want.

And now it's time to play "Which businesses survived?"



Ah, the New Tower Inn. Big in the 60's, big in the 80's, GONE in the 2000's. But at least now there's an empty former CompUSA for everyone to look at.

Tico's: Gone from Omaha, still alive in Lincoln. Worth the 45 minute drive? Prolly not.

The Blue Fox: That would be where the Absolutely Fresh Seafood and Miic's Karaoke Bar are sitting today. Across from Big Fred's Pizza, which is one of the 20-some-odd Pizzarias in the greater Omaha area I would heartily recommend.

Chu's Chop Suey: Gone, gone, gone. It was still there up until about 2-3 years ago. Had a great sign and really looked like a kitchy eatery in its prime. The Dougas County Health Department consistently rated this place a D+ or C-...and in Douglas Co. you do not want to eat at anything below a B.

Churchill's: Gone! In Regency Fashion Court, which was relatively new in 1981. It was the fancy rich-people mall of its day. It still tries to hang onto that distinction by housing Borsheim's (Warren Buffet's Tiffany & Co. of the midwest), Parsow's ugly rich guy clothing store and Omaha's only Pottery Barn. There were some great eateries in Regency back in the day. Kiki's Crab House and diCoppia. Now there's a Kobe teppenyaki grill where they make onion volcanos and flip shrimp in your mouth. Good for kitch, okay for food. You will leave hungry and broke.

Cliffs: Gone. Possibly where Fernando's Mexican is, or very near the Green Onion which is a popular bar for fans of absurdly strong mixed drinks served in a trashy after-work meat markety vibe. Not a personal fave. Maybe people didn't go to Cliff's because that ad seems to convey that they serve raw half chickens directly on your plate. It looks like a science project. Seriously. Scroll back up and look, it's horrifying.

A side note: The next page had an ad for King Fongs, which was mentioned in the previous post. It may be one of the oldest single location businesses in all of Omaha.

This finally brings us to the back cover:



Man, the 80's were ALL ABOUT hot air balloons. Hot air balloons and rainbows are sprinkled over every memory I have from the decade of greed and cable TV.

That's all for now. Another big weekend post of love.

PS: Thanks to all the folks who came out and saw the Weisenheimers this weekend. And to everyone who came on Saturday, bonus points for being one of the 20 people not watching USC kick the Husker's ass on TV.

My love to most of you, you know who you are.
Huzzah.