Retrofood: Better Homes and Gardens 2 of 5
It's that time again. Time for me to break out the
Better Homes and Gardens cookbook series I purchased
recently at the totally fun Room Service Vintage and
scan the images of what people called food back in
1964. Oh sure, most of it doesn't look like food. But
tastes change over time. And if you've recently
picked up a Beef Monster Taco at your local Jack in
the Box then you know that doesn't look like food
either. Yet, people put it in their mouths and
swallow it anyway. [insert joke about
inserting things in mouths and swallowing
here]
What's that you say? You didn't see the first post? Oh my golly. Well, you really don't need a pretext for this, besides I don't really go into WHY I'm doing this. I don't know why. I am simply compelled.
Oh, and the added bonus: This cookbook comes with some subtle mid-60's racism thrown in at no extra cost! Because it's Meals... with a FOREIGN FLAIR!
I'm pretty sure that fu dog on the cover is actually squealing in horror at the mystery meat stir fry served in that ancient Chinese box. Making that meat... you guessed it... an ancient Chinese secret.
The book is divided up by country, starting off with your "Passport to Explosive Diarrhea" er, um... Scandinavia!
Being an "ugly American," I actually had to look up some facts on Scandinavia. First of all, it's not a country unto itself. It's actually a whole bunch of countries, at least one of which is the worlds largest exporter of goofily-named flatpack home furnishings. I kid, I kid.
I'll be the first one to get behind some IKEA meatballs. They're damned tasty. And most of this Smørgåsbøard looks reasonably tasty. Save for that.. what is it? Viking Ship rendered in meat in the middle of the table? And can anyone serve Fish Delights with pride? I doubt it. Fish Delights sounds like a lesbian-themed curio shop where one could pick up the latest edition of Sark's Succulent Wild Woman.
Let's continue this journey of flavor.
No sumptuous smørgasåbsürd would be complete without the appetizer table, replete with egg-and-olive penguins guarding the anchovy-stuffed eggs. Ask yourself, does the "anchovy-stuffed anything" NEED to be guarded? Really?!? (maybe from the cat, otherwise, no.)
I mean they're cute. But, gahhhh. fish smell + egg smell = hobo feet smell.
Remember that ham viking ship?
C'mon kids! Gather 'round! We're gonna decorate the ham. What a festive holiday tradition that is. (Not kosher, obvs.)
If you can read the italic under the "Decorated Chilled Ham" heading it says "Glamour for a few pennies!"
Glamour? This is the same erroneous idea that "Trash to Treasure," the final segment on the Joan Steffend-hosted Decorating Cents, labors under. "If I nail garbage to other garbage, then I can decorate with it!"
No. no. no. No you can't. If I poop here and you poop over there, and I mix our poop together I have not made anything but a bigger pile of poop!
However, if I were to film it - and we were in Germany - I technically would've made a porno. (I kid scat porn.) Neither here nor there.
Ham and Glamour haven't gone together since the heyday of Miss Piggy. And even then...
Uh oh. Ground control to Major Brands, we have a problem:
My best guess is that this Sputnik rendered in produce is actually a head of lettuce with strawberries on skewers sticking out. It is either A) levitating, or B) supported by a cinnamon stick submerged in a spinach artichoke dip that has the consistency of quickrete. Either way, it boggles the mind. If Charles and Ray Eames were mildly retarded food fetishists, this might be what their designs would look like.
I need to note that the cookbook has no mention of this item or its presentation. It is listed as French cuisine. Which, judging by some Citroën designs of the 60's and 70's, I do believe.
Assuming any of my reader(s) are French, could you confirm or deny that this is a common presentation for fruit?
As for how they do it "In the Italian Manner" well...
The chicken already suffered the indignities of becoming this dish, did you have to rub it in by making a voodoo doll of it?
I can only imagine, based on the recipe that this platter of "Chicken Cacciatora and Buttered Noodles with Parmesan" would ring in at about 6,500 calories per serving. Maybe people stayed slender because this presentation looks like the aftermath of a car accident with garnish.
Off to Switzerland:
I actually know someone from Switzerland, and he does not, to my knowledge, wear a long "Richie Cunningham" sweater.
For what can we thank the Swiss? How about fondue! Yes, the practice of heating something marginally liquid-ey and not technically "good" for you (i.e. chocolate, cheese, Crisco) and dipping forkfuls of other things into it is apparently a Swiss tradition(?) I assumed that fondue pots were an American invention that surfaced in the early-mid 1970's as a new unwanted wedding gift for couples who needed things considerably more practical than a fondue pot. My bad.
"Stout" German fare? But he's half-Italian... ha ha ha! Hilarious in-joke!
Time to rock out with an aire of "Gemütlichkeit," which I can only assume is Farvergnügen for food.
Wonder what a Hausplatte with some Pig's Knuckles looks like?
Paging Dr. Freud:
No comment.
Seriously, none. Except to say that it's rare I find something so simultaneously phallic and gross.
And now on to that racism I mentioned earlier:
It's the, no shit, "Honorable Chinese Dinner"
Oh fuck. An abacus?!? Seriously?!?
But wait, Atmosphere is half the fun! (Maybe more than half)
Tease your fat American guests by giving them pointy sticks to eat with before relenting and letting them have forks so they can commence to shoveling in that chop suey you whipped up.
Amazingly, Better Homes avoided including a grotesque caricature of a coolie with buck teeth and slits for eyes. Since I know for a fact that one of my reader(s) is of Chinese descent, allow me to apologize now. Some people reminisce for the "good old days" in America. I must admit, I pine for the fashion and the furniture, but not the crappy attitudes. That's something they don't show much on Mad Men.
Let's close out with some pizzaz!
Okay... this actually looks pretty good to me. It looks like the imaginary food on the table in Neverland from the Robin Williams/Dustin Hoffman flick Hook. I want to say it was "bangarang!" and the Urban Dictionary can back me up on it.
You could cover many foods with pink tinted whipped cream and I'd probably be down for it. Anything that looks like it was thrown up by Hello Kitty is probably at least worth a taste, no?
Here's how to make this "cross-section of the Earth" Spumone:
"Rum flavoring for taste"?!? Fuck that. You know what takes a decent dessert into the territory of greatness? If it's also boozy-licious. So grab some gusto, buddy.
And so ends our trip around the world. 18 countries - considerably fewer represented here - and over 100 recipes to make you never want to travel to those countries. (Although that German Cherry Torte in the middle of the back cover looks pretty freaking tasty).
That's all for now. In upcoming installments prepare yourself for snacks, BBQ and brunches. And more pointlessly snarky comments from a guy who should be doing something more productive.
Enjoy, kiddies.
Huzzah
What's that you say? You didn't see the first post? Oh my golly. Well, you really don't need a pretext for this, besides I don't really go into WHY I'm doing this. I don't know why. I am simply compelled.
Oh, and the added bonus: This cookbook comes with some subtle mid-60's racism thrown in at no extra cost! Because it's Meals... with a FOREIGN FLAIR!
I'm pretty sure that fu dog on the cover is actually squealing in horror at the mystery meat stir fry served in that ancient Chinese box. Making that meat... you guessed it... an ancient Chinese secret.
The book is divided up by country, starting off with your "Passport to Explosive Diarrhea" er, um... Scandinavia!
Being an "ugly American," I actually had to look up some facts on Scandinavia. First of all, it's not a country unto itself. It's actually a whole bunch of countries, at least one of which is the worlds largest exporter of goofily-named flatpack home furnishings. I kid, I kid.
I'll be the first one to get behind some IKEA meatballs. They're damned tasty. And most of this Smørgåsbøard looks reasonably tasty. Save for that.. what is it? Viking Ship rendered in meat in the middle of the table? And can anyone serve Fish Delights with pride? I doubt it. Fish Delights sounds like a lesbian-themed curio shop where one could pick up the latest edition of Sark's Succulent Wild Woman.
Let's continue this journey of flavor.
No sumptuous smørgasåbsürd would be complete without the appetizer table, replete with egg-and-olive penguins guarding the anchovy-stuffed eggs. Ask yourself, does the "anchovy-stuffed anything" NEED to be guarded? Really?!? (maybe from the cat, otherwise, no.)
I mean they're cute. But, gahhhh. fish smell + egg smell = hobo feet smell.
Remember that ham viking ship?
C'mon kids! Gather 'round! We're gonna decorate the ham. What a festive holiday tradition that is. (Not kosher, obvs.)
If you can read the italic under the "Decorated Chilled Ham" heading it says "Glamour for a few pennies!"
Glamour? This is the same erroneous idea that "Trash to Treasure," the final segment on the Joan Steffend-hosted Decorating Cents, labors under. "If I nail garbage to other garbage, then I can decorate with it!"
No. no. no. No you can't. If I poop here and you poop over there, and I mix our poop together I have not made anything but a bigger pile of poop!
However, if I were to film it - and we were in Germany - I technically would've made a porno. (I kid scat porn.) Neither here nor there.
Ham and Glamour haven't gone together since the heyday of Miss Piggy. And even then...
Uh oh. Ground control to Major Brands, we have a problem:
My best guess is that this Sputnik rendered in produce is actually a head of lettuce with strawberries on skewers sticking out. It is either A) levitating, or B) supported by a cinnamon stick submerged in a spinach artichoke dip that has the consistency of quickrete. Either way, it boggles the mind. If Charles and Ray Eames were mildly retarded food fetishists, this might be what their designs would look like.
I need to note that the cookbook has no mention of this item or its presentation. It is listed as French cuisine. Which, judging by some Citroën designs of the 60's and 70's, I do believe.
Assuming any of my reader(s) are French, could you confirm or deny that this is a common presentation for fruit?
As for how they do it "In the Italian Manner" well...
The chicken already suffered the indignities of becoming this dish, did you have to rub it in by making a voodoo doll of it?
I can only imagine, based on the recipe that this platter of "Chicken Cacciatora and Buttered Noodles with Parmesan" would ring in at about 6,500 calories per serving. Maybe people stayed slender because this presentation looks like the aftermath of a car accident with garnish.
Off to Switzerland:
I actually know someone from Switzerland, and he does not, to my knowledge, wear a long "Richie Cunningham" sweater.
For what can we thank the Swiss? How about fondue! Yes, the practice of heating something marginally liquid-ey and not technically "good" for you (i.e. chocolate, cheese, Crisco) and dipping forkfuls of other things into it is apparently a Swiss tradition(?) I assumed that fondue pots were an American invention that surfaced in the early-mid 1970's as a new unwanted wedding gift for couples who needed things considerably more practical than a fondue pot. My bad.
"Stout" German fare? But he's half-Italian... ha ha ha! Hilarious in-joke!
Time to rock out with an aire of "Gemütlichkeit," which I can only assume is Farvergnügen for food.
Wonder what a Hausplatte with some Pig's Knuckles looks like?
Paging Dr. Freud:
No comment.
Seriously, none. Except to say that it's rare I find something so simultaneously phallic and gross.
And now on to that racism I mentioned earlier:
It's the, no shit, "Honorable Chinese Dinner"
Oh fuck. An abacus?!? Seriously?!?
But wait, Atmosphere is half the fun! (Maybe more than half)
Tease your fat American guests by giving them pointy sticks to eat with before relenting and letting them have forks so they can commence to shoveling in that chop suey you whipped up.
Amazingly, Better Homes avoided including a grotesque caricature of a coolie with buck teeth and slits for eyes. Since I know for a fact that one of my reader(s) is of Chinese descent, allow me to apologize now. Some people reminisce for the "good old days" in America. I must admit, I pine for the fashion and the furniture, but not the crappy attitudes. That's something they don't show much on Mad Men.
Let's close out with some pizzaz!
Okay... this actually looks pretty good to me. It looks like the imaginary food on the table in Neverland from the Robin Williams/Dustin Hoffman flick Hook. I want to say it was "bangarang!" and the Urban Dictionary can back me up on it.
You could cover many foods with pink tinted whipped cream and I'd probably be down for it. Anything that looks like it was thrown up by Hello Kitty is probably at least worth a taste, no?
Here's how to make this "cross-section of the Earth" Spumone:
"Rum flavoring for taste"?!? Fuck that. You know what takes a decent dessert into the territory of greatness? If it's also boozy-licious. So grab some gusto, buddy.
And so ends our trip around the world. 18 countries - considerably fewer represented here - and over 100 recipes to make you never want to travel to those countries. (Although that German Cherry Torte in the middle of the back cover looks pretty freaking tasty).
That's all for now. In upcoming installments prepare yourself for snacks, BBQ and brunches. And more pointlessly snarky comments from a guy who should be doing something more productive.
Enjoy, kiddies.
Huzzah
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