I'm too timid to openly photograph people I intend to mock on the web. I'm not viceland.com's do's and dont's, fer crissakes. So instead I sneak some stealthy photos with m'trusty iPhone camera. Hence the outdoor, well-lit photos look really good, and the indoor, dark ones look blurtacular. Nonetheless, you get the idea.

We begin our safari at the most evil place in the known universe.

If David Lynch and John Waters had a baby, then being at the Pigeon Forge Super Wal Mart would be like being trapped in that baby's brain. Trapped, I say!

Here's a Wal Mart customer in the much-mentioned FPC. This was one of the smaller ones, I couldn't take pictures of the bigger ones... because I would've needed a wide angle lens. *rimshot* Thank you, I'm here all week. Seriously, though, there were some huge folks scooting around.

In case you can't read it, the sign says "GED Upstairs." Because in Tennessee, getting your Graduation Equivalency Degree is so important, they test you in the banquet hall of an abandoned theme restaurant that sits atop the recovering drug addict thrift shop. All true. Stay in school, kids.

I got off the plane, rented the car, drove the 40 minutes into town to meet my folks at the park behind the mill along the creek. (All true) Where they kept me waiting about a half an hour, wandering around. There were all type of waterfowl, some of which I photographed myself with. Which you can see here. Apparently, my parents were so excited to see me that they made me wait while they went to the above mentioned Super Wal Mart. Bleh.

This is my father doing something that I requested he do while I take a picture. I thought it would be clever. Upon reflection, it is not.

You read it right. Dolly has pumped major cashola back into this community. At the "Day Surgery" entrance to the Fort Saunders Pigeon Forge Mediocre Medical Center there's a whole Dolly Parton birthing unit. Back in the day Johnny Carson would joked about wanting to see Dolly Parton's birthing unit. And that's why the man was a genius.

What would a trip to Tennessee be without photos of weird food? No trip at all, as far as I'm concerned. At the Sevierville Big Lots they have some discontinued test market food failures. Case in point. I'll be the first to admit I likes me some Easy Cheese. Cheddar and Bacon goodness from a can on a Ritz? Man, back before I developed sophisticated taste buds that stuff was the shizz. Now? Nah sah muhhhh. Regardless, I like my shmear for my bagel to be refrigerated. This is a can of "real" cream cheese in a room temperature can. Maybe Jew-Bot would dig it, but not me, thank you very much!

Kids like snack foods, and kids like that rap music. How can we tap into a crucial cross-market? I have it! Rap Snacks! This idea is fucking insane no matter how you parse it. Basically how it works is relatively unknown rappers attach themselves and their likeness to a specific flavor of Rap Snacks, in this case Stat Quo on Sour Cream & Extra Cheddar, and somehow that will translate into album sales. The only flaw in this marketing idea is how insanely stupid it is and how it will never work. And at the last minute, when they're trying to figure out how to not have this snack scare the shit out of white people from the South, they decide to slap an inspirational saying on the front. In this case, Pursue your college degree. That's right, when Stat Quo isn't busting caps in College Park, he's working on finishing up his MBA. Then he can get a job where his "Extra Cheddar" is going into is wallet, and not his rap snacks. God help us all.

So that's all for now, kids. 30-some-odd hours from now I'll be in Austin.

Show some love in the comments.

Huzzah.