Retrofood: Better Homes and Gardens 3 of 5
While docmarvy.com is neither old enough nor high
quality enough for a time-honored tradition, it’s
that time again anyway. Time for me to break out the
Better Homes and Gardens cookbook series I purchased
recently at the totally fun Room Service Vintage and
scan the images of what people loosely referred to as
food back in 1964. It’s snarky comments about high
contrast food photography. AKA me biting on James Lileks’ style. If you
happen to be James Lileks or his lawyer, please
note that I gave attribution, and imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.
What's that you say? You didn't see the first post? Nor the second? Oh my golly. Well, you really don't need a pretext for this, besides I don't really go into WHY I'm doing this. I don't know why. I am simply compelled. Compelled by the power of cheap laughs.
Let’s begin, shall we? As we dive into the snacktacular and refreshing world of... SNACKS and REFRESHMENTS!
Drinks by Oak Ridge Nuclear Laboratory, crudites/pupu platter-type-thing by David Cronenberg, Jell-o mold with surprise cat food core by Boots the cat.
Dips, nibbles and tidbits is also the title of my erotic memoir. That’s just an FYI. Look for it in Bantam paperback.
What do you suppose is in those glasses? My guess is Hi-C Ecto Cooler, Rum, Mint and Weapons Grade Plutonium. But back then people didn’t know it was bad for you.
Of all the Better Homes and Gardens series I got for this project, the food in this one either looks the least gross, or appeals to the trashiest of my snacking sensibilities. The old, gross me that used to treat Fritos like a food group. Even though that part of me is either gone or buried under a stack of Men’s Health magazines that scream at me for not having rock hard abs, I still find myself saying things like, “I bet that Ribbon Alaska Pie is actually pretty good.” This was, of course, back before Sarah Palin ruined Alaska for everyone, everywhere, forever.
Sombrero Spread, however looks like the kind of thing you love at the party, then curse a few hours later when you’re sweating on a toilet.
From a distance this looks okay. But keep in mind that from a distance, the world looks blue and green. Get a little closer and realize that you’re grilling a cherry tomato, green pepper, two cocktail weenies, another slice of green pepper, then a decorative “S” made from a slice of Spam with olives in between. You have a day’s worth of sodium on each skewer. That’s why no beverages are featured in this shot. You’ll already be retaining plenty of fluids.
You wanna come over here and “fluff” my “guacamole?”
Oh, you don’t?
Nevermind.
Okay... nobody move.
*whispering* The clam dip is staring at us. Don’t make any sudden moves and maybe it won’t attack.”
Of course it does look a little sad and confused, but wouldn’t you?
On the odd chance I ever have kids, I will name the first: Lobster Dip Elegante. Because it SCREAMS elegance, does it not?
Most of us have had this time-tested recipe of garlicky baked breath-destroying salty goodness. You get a bunch of salty snacks, toss them with butter and salt, then bake them with more salt. Nothing new under the sun here. It’s the strange little addendum tacked onto the end that caught my eye: “Nice go-with: fudge.” Who what on the where now?
Here’s a balanced breakfast for you: A cup of strong coffee, a plate of fudge and some Scramble (or Scrabble, depending on what your family called it).
Again, this looks good to me, and I KNOW it shouldn’t. Damn my midwestern upbringing.
Deviled eggs, while tasty, are kind of rough enough on your system without having to insult you first. Doesn’t it look like they’re collectively saying “Nyeah!” and sticking their pimento-ey little tongues out at you?
Right back atcha, egg bastards.
Egg. Cheese. Cucumber. What the hell were people doing to the insides of their bodies in 1964? Was food strictly for decoration? What the hell is going on around here?
Dammit. Another one that looks tasty. Where are the hilariously bad ideas, here, Better Homes? Where’s the ineptly-shot and over contrasty pics of meat in jell-o? Because I instinctively start salivating at the sight of an apple fritter. Even these ones.
This is more like it. Behold a scene from the reception table at Shelby’s wedding in Steel Magnolias (note the uses of both “blush” and “bashful?”).
Everything was cool with the setup until after guests started arriving and you realize you accidentally stumbled into a plushie sploshing party for Hello Kitty enthusiasts. Everywhere you look Dear Daniels are tag-teaming a Hello Kitty by dumping buckets of pink frosting on her for the sheer lascivious gratification of doing it.
If you didn’t understand that last part, consider yourself lucky. If you did, you should be ashamed of yourself, pervert.
I honestly don’t think I can do this anymore. Sure, there’s two more books to scan, but look at this. LOOK AT IT! It’s a sandwich of some sort, but if you saw this think approaching your family, you would instinctively try to kill it. Without even looking at the recipe I can tell you what it is: Slice an uncut loaf of bread twice lengthwise. Then fill the bottom layer with something resembling either cat food or a meat salad of some sort. Fill the top layer with what appears to be some corn-based vegetable medley and some rotel, perhaps? Then top and coat the entire outside in... buttercream frosting? Cream cheese? Does it matter?!? Sprinkle with lawn clippings and put an alien pod on top. This is something only old ladies would eat. God I hope that’s the case anyway.
Awww.... the back cover already?
I’m afraid so. Not much to go on in this one. But never fear. If I can muster the strength then there will be another trip down memory lame.
Until then, kids, Huzzah.
What's that you say? You didn't see the first post? Nor the second? Oh my golly. Well, you really don't need a pretext for this, besides I don't really go into WHY I'm doing this. I don't know why. I am simply compelled. Compelled by the power of cheap laughs.
Let’s begin, shall we? As we dive into the snacktacular and refreshing world of... SNACKS and REFRESHMENTS!
Drinks by Oak Ridge Nuclear Laboratory, crudites/pupu platter-type-thing by David Cronenberg, Jell-o mold with surprise cat food core by Boots the cat.
Dips, nibbles and tidbits is also the title of my erotic memoir. That’s just an FYI. Look for it in Bantam paperback.
What do you suppose is in those glasses? My guess is Hi-C Ecto Cooler, Rum, Mint and Weapons Grade Plutonium. But back then people didn’t know it was bad for you.
Of all the Better Homes and Gardens series I got for this project, the food in this one either looks the least gross, or appeals to the trashiest of my snacking sensibilities. The old, gross me that used to treat Fritos like a food group. Even though that part of me is either gone or buried under a stack of Men’s Health magazines that scream at me for not having rock hard abs, I still find myself saying things like, “I bet that Ribbon Alaska Pie is actually pretty good.” This was, of course, back before Sarah Palin ruined Alaska for everyone, everywhere, forever.
Sombrero Spread, however looks like the kind of thing you love at the party, then curse a few hours later when you’re sweating on a toilet.
From a distance this looks okay. But keep in mind that from a distance, the world looks blue and green. Get a little closer and realize that you’re grilling a cherry tomato, green pepper, two cocktail weenies, another slice of green pepper, then a decorative “S” made from a slice of Spam with olives in between. You have a day’s worth of sodium on each skewer. That’s why no beverages are featured in this shot. You’ll already be retaining plenty of fluids.
You wanna come over here and “fluff” my “guacamole?”
Oh, you don’t?
Nevermind.
Okay... nobody move.
*whispering* The clam dip is staring at us. Don’t make any sudden moves and maybe it won’t attack.”
Of course it does look a little sad and confused, but wouldn’t you?
On the odd chance I ever have kids, I will name the first: Lobster Dip Elegante. Because it SCREAMS elegance, does it not?
Most of us have had this time-tested recipe of garlicky baked breath-destroying salty goodness. You get a bunch of salty snacks, toss them with butter and salt, then bake them with more salt. Nothing new under the sun here. It’s the strange little addendum tacked onto the end that caught my eye: “Nice go-with: fudge.” Who what on the where now?
Here’s a balanced breakfast for you: A cup of strong coffee, a plate of fudge and some Scramble (or Scrabble, depending on what your family called it).
Again, this looks good to me, and I KNOW it shouldn’t. Damn my midwestern upbringing.
Deviled eggs, while tasty, are kind of rough enough on your system without having to insult you first. Doesn’t it look like they’re collectively saying “Nyeah!” and sticking their pimento-ey little tongues out at you?
Right back atcha, egg bastards.
Egg. Cheese. Cucumber. What the hell were people doing to the insides of their bodies in 1964? Was food strictly for decoration? What the hell is going on around here?
Dammit. Another one that looks tasty. Where are the hilariously bad ideas, here, Better Homes? Where’s the ineptly-shot and over contrasty pics of meat in jell-o? Because I instinctively start salivating at the sight of an apple fritter. Even these ones.
This is more like it. Behold a scene from the reception table at Shelby’s wedding in Steel Magnolias (note the uses of both “blush” and “bashful?”).
Everything was cool with the setup until after guests started arriving and you realize you accidentally stumbled into a plushie sploshing party for Hello Kitty enthusiasts. Everywhere you look Dear Daniels are tag-teaming a Hello Kitty by dumping buckets of pink frosting on her for the sheer lascivious gratification of doing it.
If you didn’t understand that last part, consider yourself lucky. If you did, you should be ashamed of yourself, pervert.
I honestly don’t think I can do this anymore. Sure, there’s two more books to scan, but look at this. LOOK AT IT! It’s a sandwich of some sort, but if you saw this think approaching your family, you would instinctively try to kill it. Without even looking at the recipe I can tell you what it is: Slice an uncut loaf of bread twice lengthwise. Then fill the bottom layer with something resembling either cat food or a meat salad of some sort. Fill the top layer with what appears to be some corn-based vegetable medley and some rotel, perhaps? Then top and coat the entire outside in... buttercream frosting? Cream cheese? Does it matter?!? Sprinkle with lawn clippings and put an alien pod on top. This is something only old ladies would eat. God I hope that’s the case anyway.
Awww.... the back cover already?
I’m afraid so. Not much to go on in this one. But never fear. If I can muster the strength then there will be another trip down memory lame.
Until then, kids, Huzzah.
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