I've been out of touch for so long for the following reasons:

1) In case you hadn't heard, Apple released the second version of the iPhone OS. Now it does all kinds of new things. So I've been dicking around with that quite a bit, because I needed more distractions on my cell phone and I shouldn't ever be more than 15 minutes away from checking my email. Ever.

2) The cable finally got fixed. I don't watch a ton of TV (particularly now that LOST is between seasons), but I was watching even less since Time Warner Cable saw fit to do a total crap job of setting up the cable. Three months and two service calls later, they finally got it hooked up so Law & Order: SVU doesn't look like I'm watching it through 20 snowglobes. The HD content even comes down now, and for some reason the Tivo thought I would like Minority Report in HD. (Incorrect assumption, but thanks for trying, tivo.)

3) Got some good news. After five+ years in the hole, I'm now free of any and all credit card debt. It's a long and trying story that I'll be sure to tell you some night when I want you wish you'd never asked me.

Plus I haven't been very inspired to post lately. I've been kind of creatively constipated. That is to say, my creativity has been constipated, not that I've found a creative way to have occasional irregularity. But I've been reading the War of Art, so hopefully that will light the fire under my metaphoric creative ass. Fingers crossed.

Okay... let's play Empty out the del.icio.us bookmarks!
Link-Tyme!

MTV is planning on remaking The Rocky Horro Picture Show. Now I've sat back while Hollywood, the machine that rejects interesting original ideas in favor of rehashed poop, has needlessly remade film after film. Remake Psycho because it should be in color, right? Whatever. Remake old TV shows that weren't that well liked in the first place? Fine. But why do you have to fuck with the jewel in the crown of cult classics? Please, MTV, no.

Think the economy is bad? Well, technically you would be right. But somehow in a place like Omaha, you can still open a Pampered Pooch salon. Well, in West Omaha, anyway.

This one goes back a ways: Eric Zorn, a writer for the Chicago Tribune, put together this great piece after gay marriage was legalized in Cali. Delightfully snarky for a proper editorial piece.

Blik Surface Graphics has this orgasmically nerdy wall decor that, were I a nerd of such deep pockets that I had a room dedicated to nothing but video gaming, I would adorn the walls entirely as World 1-1. But let's face it, I'd have a dungeon before a video game room. Although I'd be willing to entertain the idea of both in one. Although can you really picture a porta-sling in a room that whimsical? Me either.

Speaking of intriguing perversions, I love it when niche fetishes that are already within niche fetishes hold events. (Think a furry convention only for Kangaroos.) Well, that pretty much sums up the International Puppy and Trainer conference. (link NSFW, probably) A subset of leather/rubber BDSM, I find puppy play so intriguing. Not just the fetish, but the fact that there are breakout sessions to determine what breed you are. (If you're a small hairless man of hispanic descent a chihuahua? Or is that racist? Or speciesist?)

That's all for now, kids. If you have any suggestions for clever post ideas, please feel free to drop 'em in the comments.

Huzzah.

Tags: Internet, Random, Good News

What would you do?

What would you do if you had an opportunity to pick up a toy you've been lusting after for ages at a savings of $100?

Let's say, in this hypothetical, that you had a chance to buy this toy for $300. You'll have the money on payday a week away. However, the cost of the flight you need to book to visit your parents also costs about $300 and you've also planned on booking that flight on your next payday. You've already promised that you're making this trip and you would have to scrounge to find the money elsewhere to make it happen, although there's a chance you'd be stuck waiting another two weeks for your next payday and possibly paying more. Up to $100 more... thus negating the savings on the toy.

This is not a picture of said toy, merely an example of a toy. One that would best be used in a story. A story about toys. They should call it: "Space and Wooden Man Imaginary Adventure Movie"

I know what I'm going to do, but I'm curious, what would YOU do?

UPDATE (11/2/07): I didn't buy it. It's a battle of will, and I shall prevail over my gluttonous desires.

Huzzah

Man, what's the deal? Everyone seems to be having a shitty Tuesday. Is it the weather? It was a bit frosty this morning and it's been wet and overcast in Omaha. But the weather is notoriously poopy in the autumn. Surprisingly, I haven't succumbed to this October funk as of yet. And you'd think I would have considering that while searching for some nifty 1440x900 desktop pics on Google Images I found this:

It's a promotional desktop for the Billy McGuigan album Billy as Billy from his site. Yes, international recognized actor and blah blah blah. Wow. It boggles the mind. Those of you who know me know the backstory. Those who don't will just have to ask. Since I'm in the minority of people not having a crappy Tuesday, I'm not about to ruin it by digging up that old chestnut.

Let's find some good things to focus on so the good people of Omaha can shed the funk:

Apple had record profits this quarter. Like net $904 million. They somehow managed to struggle to a huge jump from their last big quarter despite me, tastemaker and trendspotter that I am, not buying an iPhone. For a while there I was pretty glad since the 1.1.1 firmware update seemed to f'up a number of phones. And as illogical as it may seem, apparently a complete wipe of the phone by your resident Apple Genius Bar attendant manages to put right what went wrong. Or so it would seem for the moment. Ah! New technology!
Unless you're a complete fanboy (like me) or have apple stock (unlike me) this news probably doesn't brighten your day all that much, I suppose.

It's not often that we get Nobel Peace Prize winners in Omaha. Particularly not of the caliber of Bishop Desmond Tutu. But he was in town, nonetheless. He was spreading the word of peace, which is always nice. And he was spitting more girl power than a Spice Girls album. A direct quote:

"Women ought to say to men, 'Hey guys, we've given you all of this time. Look at the mess you've made of the world. Get out of the way. Let us women take over."

Groovy. I'm totally fine with the women taking over. Although please don't take that as a part and parcel endorsement of Hillary just yet. I'm going to hold my breath until the last minute to see if Gore pulls an 11th hour surprise.

And the final reason to be happy: Hardee's recently unveiled a 920 calorie breakfast burrito-monstrosity. The Country Breakfast Burrito contains two omelet's worth of eggs plus hash browns, gravy, sausage, cheese (naturally) and probably just a big squirt of rendered cow lard because who gives a fuck at this point?

AP Photo

Fans of Hardee's Monster Thickburger (1,400 calories, FYI) now have a breakfast option as they try to cram 6,000 calories into three daily meals. So if you're a sedentary ham-beast looking for a new way to let your manboobs melt into your couch cushions then you've finally got an "on the go" breakfast option. But who are you kidding? When was the last time you were "on the go" anywhere but the bathroom?

I did a little research on this and found that the average "The Bomb" QuikTrip convenience store-brand beef & bean burrito actually has 940 calories if you eat the whole thing. It's listed as two servings per burrito at roughly 470 calories per serving, most of which are from fat. Because people so frequently split gas station burritos with a friend. So Hardee's didn't really re-invent the wheel here. They just said "hey, what if we put two whole country breakfasts and wrapped them up in a tortilla?" Above you see the answer to that question.

Aren't you glad they asked?

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go barf now.

Cheer up, everybody.
Huzzah

I'm not going to bother to go over any more of the trip to Atlanta. Know why? It's boring to blog about. At least noticeably more boring than the request I got to blog about the accidental teabagging I got from a 70 year old guy at the gym over a lunchtime workout. However I'll spare you that one as well.

But yesterday marked a momentous occasion. Ten years ago Michael Dell, purveyor of boring Windows boxes, said that in some magical world where he were head of Apple Computers Inc. he would close the doors and give the shareholders back their money along with a heartfelt apology for being such a gigantic doucheball.

Well, Dell, how's that decade treating you?

Oh wait, I think I know:

Yeah. Not so good for Dell. 10 years of stock price statistics don't lie. Maybe it's iPod "halo effect", maybe it's perceived "elite" status that comes from owning an Apple machine, maybe... whatever. Doesn't matter. Dell had their chance. They made an mp3 player (remember the Dell DJ? No? Neither does anyone else), yet they suffered no halo effect. Maybe they just got wrong what so many others continue to fumble. People want a pleasant computing experience. Back in '98 Steve Jobs was still sorting out the master plan for Apple. Things were still in pretty dire straits. He had his magic man Jonathan Ive in place and the cute gumdrop iMacs, but he was still sorting out the tasty treats to come. And he did, with a vengeance.

When I held my first iPod, one of the first ones in Nebraska I venture to guess, I remember thinking to myself that this gizmo is going to change the way things happen.

Fuck yeah it did.

So, Michael Dell, suck it.
And Ted Waitt can help you suck it. And he didn't do shit to Steve Jobs. It shows you what a spiteful a-hole I really am.

Enjoy, kiddies.
Huzzah

(Thanks to Gizmodo for the heads up)

As I type this I'm sitting in a tiny seat on a tiny airplane heading back to my comfortably-sized hometown. I've just spent the last three days talking shop with professional business people about the business of doing business. If bullshit was sand I would have created a new desert. There are so many anecdotes that it would take longer than this flight to type it all out. Three days in Atlanta and the only time I got outside the hotel was to walk to the adjacent mall to eat the generic Chili's/Applebees/TGI McPickleshitters clones that can be found at any mall in the U.S. Three days in a suit, looking damned fine if I do say so myself, but for what?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Here's the hotel:

Reasonably swanky. The photo doesn't convey the humidity, the lack of adequate air conditioning or the Wednesday morning complete lack of hot water throughout the entire hotel. You know what's better than wearing a suit and uncomfortable dress shoes from 5:30am until 11:00pm? Preceding it with an ice-cold "penis inverter" shower at 5am. I promised myself that I would try to be positive about it, so instead of complaining I'll just say it was a bracing way to greet the dawn. (I'm happy to report that my ween has since returned to its previous state as an "outie".)

Here's me as a smooth operator in a suit:

Dashing? You know it, dawg.

I've never understood the whole "looking sexy in a suit" thing that some people find so appealing. Frankly I think it makes me look boxy, but to each his own. All I know is those Kenneth Cole shoes, while perhaps not very comfortable for all-day wear, are fierce.

I hate that disconnected feeling of being alone at a hotel on business. That feeling of being adrift, missing some essential component. But if there's a silver lining in it all, it makes you appreciate the life you left. And right now at 35,000 feet over the central U.S. the only thing I can think about is getting home.

So sorry for the quiet week here on el blog-a-rino.

If I can muster the strength and change the names to protect the innocent, or in this case protect me from the guilty, I'll tell the story of the crazy woman at dinner and the "almost had a 3-way with Bruce Willis" story that will frighten you. I have pictures, but I don't want to be sued and/or fired. So just ask me to see them sometime in person and then you, like me, can say "there's no way Bruce Willis invited you to take any part in a three way, save for maybe having you hold the camera."

I specifically put this post under the category of Schadenfreude not because of the joy I normally take in other's misery (with the single exception of the odd-gal-out in the misfired Willis 3-way), but so you could take a little joy in mine.

More this weekend, kiddies.
Hugs a-plenty.
Huzzah.

In case you missed it, because why in the hell would you care, Tom Hanks (actor, average joe and owner of the PlayTone film production company), his wife Rita Wilson (actress, but better known as wife of affable nice guy Tom Hanks) and Nia Vardalos (actress, writer, greek girl) are suing Gold Circle Films for payment on a portion of the 6 bajillion dollars that the 90 minute over-stretched sitcom premise movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" raked in inexplicably at theaters nationwide.

Get the full story from the L.A. Times here.

Why is this a big deal? I'll tell you why. Brace yourself for Marv's 6-degrees of not-very-famousness.

You see, my former employer, Waitt Media, was a wholly owned subsidiary of Gold Circle Entertainment. Norm Waitt, brother of Ted Waitt who owns that shitty Gateway computer company, fancied (fancies?) himself a bit of a media mogul. So he had his record label (Gold Circle) and figured he would vertically integrate by buying radio stations. The first of these stations was KOTD-FM which played standards and show tunes (aka old people music) until I flipped the switch at 6am that fateful day in late October and turned it into KCTY-FM, The City. Omaha's failed experiment to try and prove that terrestrial radio was still relevant. (Spoiler alert: It isn't, no offense to my many radio pals.)

Nia Vardalos: Big, Full Figured, Greek.

Meanwhile Rita Wilson sees this one-woman off-broadway show by Nia Vardalos about being a thick-legged greek girl growing up with a criminally insane Windex-wielding father and an aunt who looked suspiciously like Perini Scleroso. Rita tells her husband and Bosom Buddy Tom that the show is a blast and should be made into a movie. Tom's PlayTone production company puts Big Fat Greek etc. into production. They run into a small burgeoning film company that hasn't done anything of note as of yet (Gold Circle, part of the Waitt Media empire) and it's off to the races. Made for a meager $5 million (chickenfeed by current movie standards) the movie grossed a 7000% profit. Not too shabby.

Now Hanks (who probably doesn't need the money) and Vardalos (who might) are suing Gold Circle for the nearly $90 million discrepancy in alleged reported receipts from the film. Don't these people have CPAs?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not delighting in the black eye this is giving Gold Circle. But you have to understand, being across the Waitt Media companies meant I had to play the radio ad for Big Fat Greek... about a dodecadillion times on the radio, to the point where I could recite it in my nightmares. Also, Norm sort of lost interest in his radio stations after he became a film mogul. So he left his underlings, who didn't know shit about radio, run the stations. Money was allegedly lost, bad feelings were allegedly had. And I lost my morning show, then Omaha lost the only radio station that played They Might Be Giants in regular rotation. Not that much of this matters, because effectively Norm and Gold Circle have divested themselves completely from the radio operation. They still technically own portions of it, but have entered into a draconian Limited Marketing Agreement with NRG Media that is the moral equivalent of an out-and-out sale only without all the messy FCC paperwork. The end.

So while I'm not doing the superiority dance, I am certainly not shedding any tears that Gold Circle will have to poop out a bunch of money either way. Either to settle the case or to pay up fighting it in court with high priced lawyers, like the one Tom Hanks played in Philadelphia. Only probably alive, like he was at the beginning of the movie.

That is all for now.

Oh.. new BOTM on my next update. Since it's August and all, time for a new Band o' the Month.

Huzzah and Hugs, kids.