Evidently in Virginia Beach it is illegal to display a narrow wedge of top-ass. [Full Story] Yes, folks, fascism has arrived in that most banal of places, an Abercombie at Lynnhaven Mall. The manager of said Abercrombie was facing $2000 in fines and up to a year in jail for displaying this saucy number in the window of his store:

Yes, this dirty dirty, nearly Mapplethorpe-ian photo of a bunch of sexy young people frolicking (as they so often do, or so I'm told) with their pants falling off. See that kid in the front, why you can practically give him a full proctological exam. It's a scandal!

Fortunately, Virginia Police decided to drop the charges. Hopefully because they realized that this whole thing is fucking stupid. But still I'm left with a few questions:

1) Are there no plumbers in VA Beach? Are there no gangstas with jeans sagging to mid-crotch and boxers 3 sizes too big?

2) What exactly is the specific "threat" to "juveniles" that the above picture causes? Will they discover their own asses? Does this picture flagrantly promote the unhealthy act of being sexy and black & white in a meadow while jogging? The only thing this this picture is going to do is the same thing Abercrombie imagery has been doing for years and years, making gay kids realize what they already know and let closeted frat boys pretend they just like the clothes.

3) You know where the real problem is? The VA Beach PD/County Attorney/City Council, that already have such a tremendously good view of asses (their own, from the inside) that they would pursue this as an issue in the first place. I hope to hell that there is not a Victoria's Secret in this mall, and if there is, I hope they have to shutter their windows so that kids walking by are never exposed to anything even remotely sexualized. That way they can be cloistered and rife with body-shame for the rest of their lives. Oop, I just checked (thanks internet) and they do have a Victoria's on the lower level near Dillard's. I guess they must just sell housecoats and robes at that one, eh?

Seriously, people. Stop being so sex-negative. And to balance my rage: Kids, pull your damned pants up, you look stupid. Unless you look like these youngsters and are frolicking. If so, then stop teasing, drop trou and give us a real show.

That is all.

Huzzah

Hey Kids,

Since I'm down here in Jesus-ey McBible-land among all the Baptist snake handlers and pious/righteous 700 lb. Wal Mart shoppers, I was snagged by this story. And it's been a while since I've done a Holy Shit feature (see all previous ones on the Weisenheimers Blogaverse). So here's the latest installment.

Think it's hard to find a Wii this Xmas? Yeah, well join the club, crybaby. Think about how much more profoundly depressing it would be if you were the parent who was going to disappoint your young'un when you're unable to get them the talking Jesus action figure. No. I'm not kidding. FULL STORY HERE.

What? You never write. You never call.

Naturally, they have sold out of these at Wal Mart. Who is surprised by this? I know that I'm going to end up at the Sevierville Super Wal Mart at some point during this trip, so I'll try to take some clandestine pics of locals in their FPCs.

Frankly, if I'm going to get a Jesus themed toy, I'd really prefer the Jackhammer Jesus (very NSFW).

But hey, that's just me.

Huzzah.

(Thanks to Consumerist, Dallas Morning News, and pervert sex toy designers everywhere)

UPDATE: As usual, I've been upstaged by a much more proficient, thorough blogger and his much more read (likely because it's better written) blog. Jockohomo not only gives you talking Jesus doll news, but a whole slew of other modern religious artifacts including anti-masturbation creme. He also mercifully spared you the link to the Jackhammer Jesus. Hats off to you, Jocko.

Amid my packing, straightening and prepping for Austin, I ran across a couple of late 1950's "girlie" mags that friends got me for my 18th birthday. I would like to state right now that I was not 18 in 1958. This would've been more like 1992-ish. They got the mags at the Antiquarium, which for non-Omahans is a musty used book store populated with aging hippies and artsy-types who while away the day petting feral housecats and sipping strong coffee.

Since the only thing I do on this blog that attracts readers seems to be making fun of old magazines, I figured I could two-birds/one-stone this deal by scanning the only noteworthy pages for blog-fun while throwing away the paper mags because I don't feel like driving 50 year old softcore porn to Texas.

A note: there's no actual noteworthy nudity in the following pics. All the nudity in the mags is waist-up and pretty foul anyway, but I figured why tempt fate by screwing up your life by causing you to lose your job for looking at the least-satisfying pornography in the world? So not worth it. So here's all the softcore badness along with the ads, which are the funniest part anyway.

Cover number one is Scamp, the Sparkling Companion for Men, whatever that means. In September 1958 what passed for good cover art was a model on a balance beam while an "artist" smears oil paint on a canvas. Get it? Modern art is so dumb! Give me black and white pictures of half-naked ladies who look like your best friend's mom. The magazine promises to show you what a girl does to become a star. I'll give you a hint: The answer isn't "appear in Scamp".

Magazine number two was All Man. As promised, it is a panorama of party-time nudes. And some of those nudes were even in color. This company had a budget and they were willing to translate that into high quality spreads of MILFs (or as they used to be known, "women") doing what MILFs do. Which is apparently clean the house nude, make dinner nude, and to nude lounge in their stark nudeness. And this woman on the cover? She REALLY loves her bedroom set. Never before have you seen a woman more enamored of her four-poster canopy bed. At least I hope you haven't.

Both magazines were rife with muscle-building come ons from all the classics. The above ad for the Atlas Dynamic Tension muscle building system ran for something like 130 years in comic books, softcore 50's porno mags, Field & Stream and New Numismatist magazines. It's a little small for you to read, but the cartoon down the left side goes a little like this: Mac and his girlfriend are enjoying a day at the beach being white privileged teenagers. Along comes a big buff bully who kicks sand on Mac, then emasculates and humiliates him in front of his girlfriend. Although Mac has a hard time admitting it, he secretly got a prurient thrill from this public shaming, but nonetheless he decides that being a humiliation "top" would be preferable to a humiliation "bottom." Mac goes home, abuses some furniture and runs across the Atlas ad in one of the above-mentioned magazines. After seemingly no time passes Mac finds himself a rippling pile of man meat. He heads back to the beach where he 'roid rages on the bully from earlier (sans roids, of course) and punches him out in front of everyone. The ensuing panels that I imagined but were never made involved Mac being arrested for assault, serving a little time, then getting out and reconciling with the bully. Mac and the bully move into a loft apartment off the Castro together where they cuddle watching Zeb Atlas lifestyle videos. I'm fairly certain that's how the story ends.

More of the muscle growth hype combined with some of the worst-written ad copy in history. "Gains of up to a Pound-A-Day proven by thousands" Certain things are capitalized, certain things are unnecessarily hyphenated yet there's a dearth of any other punctuation. It's a party of bad grammar and undeliverable promises. I'm surprised how they had the technology in 1958 to make a shake that let you drink on muscle mass, yet they don't have it today. I blame the FDA. Also those before and after photos are great. The top photo lets you know that drinking weight-gain shakes (combined with hitting puberty and being severely top lit) will turn you into a hulking pile of beach buffness. The lower photo shows that drinking the shakes and puffing out your concave chest along with being photographed by Inch High Private Eye will make you look like a douche holding his breath. Genius! In fairness, they're doing their best in the dark days before Photoshop.

Oh yes, things do happen when you wear Eleganza. People either laugh or vomit. Sometimes both simultaneously. If you were wondering what International Male would look like in 1958, wonder no longer. Actually, while all these clothes were no doubt re-god-damned-diculous in '58, they are now kind of strangely retro-cool. But only if you sport these body types. Like International Male, the only people who look good in these clothes are the people who have identical measurements to the mannequins they were designed on. The "Dramatic Double Knit" tunic shirt is trés cool if you happen to be Captain of the Enterprise. The Double Breasted Walking Suit would look spectacular on a Blue Velvet-era Kyle MacLaughlin and nobody else on earth. Black Magic proves that having a bowtie doesn't necessarily mean you have to look like Tucker Carlson or George Will. Thankfully. And the shoes? Actually sort of hip, though admitting it could make the fashion gods angry.

Why is there an ad for insanely pointy-boobed lingerie in a men's mag? The holidays were coming up, so maybe last minute gift ideas. What I like about all these drawings is that all of the women look like they are totally insane and mid-breakdown. Very high concept. You may be thinking "I've heard the name Lili St. Cyr before, but WHERE!?!?" Well, it's in the lyrics that Susan Sarandon sings during the floor show sequence of Rocky Horror. Dig out your soundtracks/VHS or DVD and see/hear for yourself.

Finally, some filth. I guess? Every one of these pictures makes me want to shout "Mom! No!" Although with all the strategic placement, this is so totally tame and prime time. Seriously. I have seen more nudity in high school senior pictures. I'm not kidding, either. On the upside, at least this harkens back to a time when women were allowed to have curves. Because it takes curves to be sensual, something Kate Moss is sadly unaware of since she looks like a frail 12 year old boy.

Stories for men. Sounds hot. What titles have you got? Midget and the Duchess? Um... okay... Young Lady and her Dog? I don't know if I would like that... Captive to Six Women? Sounds like a mixed blessing... A Traveling Salesman? So long as it's not Willy Loman, perhaps. Apparently these stories are so hot that it will make your brain vaporize and shoot out your ears while your toupeé flies off and you levitate while biting off your tongue. Must've been those "artist illustrations" that go along with the stories. Hot diggity!

Men! Want a photo FREE! Is that supposed to be a question? Because it has an exclamation point on the end.

And finally for you nerds, get a ¢92 Slide Rule. You know what I love about Slide Rules? The way old people always yell at you about them and how back in "their day" they didn't have calculators and fancy computers! They had to do their math on a stick with a sliding window. Then those same old people get upset when you suggest that maybe people can do better math now that they're not doing it on two sticks. But hey, they're old people. What can you do with them besides turn them into Soylent?

And finally...

No commentary or joke needed.
Okay... maybe one.

After Oscar returned to Sesame Street from his three month hiatus in Switzerland there was something noticeably different about him. Sure, there was still some grouchiness, but mostly that could be attributed to the hormones.

And that's it for classic filth, kiddies. Stay tuned for more hilarity from junk I'm finding while I clean and prep to move.

Huzzah.

This morning marked the first installment of my new segment on Pat & JT: The DC Blitz.

Taking the headline-grabbing snark of the Hollywood Blitz and reworking it for politics, including a peppy new intro theme assembled by Pat & JT's crack producer Tommy O set to the tune of Sweet's 1970's classic rocker "Ballroom Blitz." Those of you younger than I, and that's probably most, will recall that song better as one of the tunes performed by Tia Carrere's character and her band in Wayne's World. Arguably, the Sweet version is better.

(You can download the podcast of the show including the DC Blitz here. Look for the show from 8/30/07.)

Nonetheless, here's my notes from this morning's edition, in case you missed it. Please keep in mind that this is written in my on-air shorthand.

DC Blitz

Condi wants to see the quality Bling
Washington Post reporter Glenn Kessler has a book coming out about Condoleeza Rice that will have all the sheen of a Kitty Kelly tell-all. It includes a passage where Condi comes unglued on a jewelry counter rep who back-sassed her. Saying (basically) that the rep was poor and she was wealthy and she should be shown the “good” jewelry. Finally, something she’s competent at, berating minimum wage employees!

A Hot Car for a Hot Karl
According to politico.com, Karl Rove’s Jaguar was wrapped multiple times in industrial saran wrap, stuffed with eagles and someone put an “Obama 08” bumper sticker on the windshield. Who would perpetrate such a heinous act on the Turd Blossom’s car? Why his White House staffers who will miss his “puckish behavior” in meetings and, of course, his “eating of live human babies” to stay so completely diabolically evil.

In case you missed it...
ALLEGEDLY: Fidel Castro may or may not still be dead. His brother, Raul Castro, will most likely keep that vivacious revolution going... at least until he kicks as well. The rumors prompted the College Republicans at Harvard to suggest making Fidel Piñatas and a pitcher of Cuba Libres in a note that was sent around to the club, according to the National Examiner. Fortunately one club member came to his senses long enough to say: “I have a feeling that abusing effigies will not very effectively convey the kindlier, gentler, big-tent image that the Republican Club is trying to [create].” (And I thought neo-cons hated institutes of higher learning!?!)

He’s standing his ground with a “wide stance”
SCANDAL WATCH: When will Idaho Senator Larry Craig resign in light of his recent Minnesota airport bathroom under-stall booty call? Seeing as how he’s a guy who would normally probably love having guys pile on him, in this instance he’s probably not too into it since they’re only metaphorically piling on -- in demanding his resignation. GOP Rep. Pete Hoekstra, John McCain, and Norm Coleman so far have called for his resignation. Mitt Romney didn’t ask for it outright but did refer to Craig as “disgusting” which doesn’t bode well, and he has already withdrawn from four Senate Committees he was on. But hey, Alberto Gonzalez hung around until literally nobody in D.C. except of course the prez could stand him anymore, so Larry could be there for a while.

In related news... When Tucker Carlson was discussing the Larry Craig situation on his MSNBC show night-before-last he confessed to being attacked in a men’s room for some unsolicited man-love, but the advances were brutally rebuffed and Tucker returned with a friend 20 minutes later to beat the guy up. (Personally I don’t know why someone would assume a pie-faced youngster in a bow tie named Tucker would be gay... but nonetheless...). This admission caused quite an uproar in the blogger community. Apparently both of Tucker’s viewers were very upset.*

*This isn’t merely just a mean-spirited joke, Tucker is the least watched program in that time-slot. Seriously, more people watch the Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator infomercial re-run on PAX rather than him. He’s JUST THAT GOOD!

And that is more or less how it went out on the air.

So I offer a recap for those who think I might be leaning hard on GOP scandals of late.

Here's a list of just the most prominent GOP scandals of the last 11 months:

Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) - Busted for soliciting anonymous gay bathroom sex. He has a wife and kids, btw.
Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) - On the D.C. Madam's call list. Likes to be in diapers. Has a wife and kids, btw.
Glenn Murphy Jr. - chairman of the Young Republican National Federation. Caught giving an unsolicited blowjob to a friend's passed out brother. Was busted for the same thing in the past.
Pastor Ted Haggard - Former leader of the Evangelical Church. You know the story: Meth, gay hookers, etc. He's totally cured now, thankfully. Wife and kids, of course.
Coy C. Privette - Christian Action League president and North Carolina Republican lawmaker. Busted at a motel with a sex worker.
Mark Foley - Dishonored congressman. Creepy lecherous fan of Instant Messaging. Was a Republican despite Fox News "mistakingly" reporting him as a Dem when the story broke.
Rep. Bob Allen - Offered $20 to GIVE a blow job to a black undercover cop. He claimed it wasn't because he was trolling for gay sex, it's because he was afraid of black people. And apparently it's common knowledge that the only way to disarm a black man is with a $20 and a very convincing blowjob. Ironically, the only universe where this statement is true is in the fantasy world of hardcore gay pornos.

That's JUST THE HIGHLIGHTS of the last 11 months of GOP debauchery.

Any scandal of size from the left in the last 11? Yeah, of course. Louisiana Dem. William Jefferson had the $90K of wrapped cash in his freezer, which definitely wasn't cool. I'm not saying the left is immune. Of course not. But the right certainly does wave the flag of family values and moral responsibility. Is this what they mean by that? Hypocrisy is truly the ruling elite's greatest luxury.

That's all for now kids.
Huzzah.

At Max Muscle (of course they have a myspace) picking up some delicious MaxPro Vanilla Protein powder yesterday I snagged a copy of their free in-store mag on my way out the door.

Not to read too far into it, but what does this image say to you?

Jay Cutler: On Top, or A Top? You be the judge.

I refuse to believe that they're not picking up on the imagery. It's not, how you say... "subtle."

Perhaps I'm out of line here. Maybe it's just me. I dunno. But for some reason I want to think about it over a fine cuban cigar and pop in the DVD of 300.

Huzzah.

Whew, thanks Exeter International!



(via Queerty)