Gross
Retrofood: Better Homes and Gardens 1 of 5
Ahoy, Kiddies,
As promised, I've scanned the best bits of the first of five Better Homes and Gardens Cookbooks that I procured from Room Service Vintage.
Some things to keep in mind:
• This was the LEAST visually offensive of the five. I thought I'd start light and work my way up to the edible atrocities. Therefore, this has the fewest scans. The food photography and dishes are gross as hell, but there just aren't that many. This series will get better (worse?) as we progress.
• I've done no retouch. You will have a very hard time believing this, but I didn't jack up the contrast or tweak the colors or curves at all. Everything you see is as real and gross as it appears on screen. Only in real life it's bigger, more tangible, and scarier.
• Some of this looks like the food photography of the mid 1950's, which wouldn't be so upsetting if these weren't from 1964.
• These cookbooks were unused. The spines cracked like I was the first person to open them. When you see the dishes, you will know why.
Let's get cookin'.
Pretty benign from the front, right? Presaging the Rachel Ray trend of offering sit-down dinners in short order, this book promises that full, beautifully-plated meals can be put together in "under 45 minutes"! To think, with the advent of EVOO, Trash Bowls, hideously orange-handled utensils and toxic levels of perkiness, Rachel has gotten that number down to 30. Take that, Better Homes.
Mealtime, on time, will be NO problem. Because, if your man comes home from a long day of bringing home the bacon and there is no dinner on that table. Well, you may just have another one of your "accidents" where you "fell down the stairs." Dig? Ah... but I kid spousal abuse stereotypes of the early-mid 60's.
Aside from the main dish, which looks like broasted tomatoes and sliced bull penis cross sections, the rest looks surprisingly edible. (Unless you're some freak who doesn't like raw tomatoes. But I digress.)
Crack it open and the fun really begins.
"Hey! You got your meatloaf in my chili!"
"You got your chili in my meatloaf!"
"We both have heart disease even though we're only in our 20's!"
Yes, it's two great tastes that taste... um,... together.
I feel so bad for those two sad mushrooms just floating around in there. I hope they meet up. (I have a rich inner life.)
Mmmmm. Pink Parfait Pie. Would you like some coffee with your Teletubby Menstruation dessert? Ha! That's a trick, none of the teletubbies are pink.
And that's probably not even what menses looks like. I just thank god that I'm lucky enough not to know.
Your blender makes it fast. Your lack of taste buds makes it edible.
And I'm all for buying store brands or generics, but it can be taken too far. If you happen upon a can with no other markings than "Frozen Shrimp Soup" Do NOT open it. It is most likely not, I repeat NOT, food.
Again, I am curious how people weren't constantly hocking up phlegm-wads back then. Everything is so cream-based.
Baby Orange Babas.
In fairness, this might actually TASTE good. Oranges and yellow cake. I could see where this may not taste assy . The look, however, is another story. I've been trying to think of a good analogy for what it looks like and the best I can come up with is if David Cronenberg designed a modern wall clock and laid it on its back. It's a reach, but I dunno. I welcome your suggestions in the comments.
I am not a culinary expert. I have not studied at Le Cordon Bleu and profess to know no more of gastronomy than your standard neophyte hobbyist cook. Oh sure, I'll whip up a reasonable Chicken Piccata and churn out some middling-quality cookies. And lord knows I Tivo my fair share of Food Network shows, but I'm far from expert in the art of cooking. I do know this, however: Whipped Cream/pudding concoction, or whatever that is on those strawberry/peach shortcakes, should never - under any circumstances - be beige with a pistachio-green tint. NEVER. That dessert went to the twilight zone, never to return.
Meanwhile, a broiler pan of artery-cloggage awaits.
"Hey Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Oh... the usual: Steaks, ribs, au gratin cheddar-onion stuffed tomatoes, skewered cheese globs (?), hot dogs and bacon, all broiled for our convenience."
"I see, so it's just the two of us for dinner, then?"
This is a good menu for a CPR class outing.
I swear to you, I thought it said "Beasts from the Broiler" which is a good idea for a SciFi Original Movie starring Emerill.
Was the colloquialism "a jillion" in common use in 1964?!? Really? That's kind of amazing. I can't really picture my grandfather saying "Ginormous" but who knows? Anything is possible.
And Later, you can even broil dessert! I mean, why the fuck not?!? Broil it all. Broil the shit out of it. Leave that broiler on 24/7. This is America, goddammit! And here we broil out meats, veggies and even desserts. Those salads are just for decoration, you commie pinko pussy! Latch onto some broiled meat!
(yike.)
Oh, and to gay-it-up for just a second: That header font is BEAUTIFUL, isn't it? "Bests from the Broiler" dances gaily on the page in it's reserved-yet-bouncy Mary Blair universe of whimsy. It's basically too perfect, and because of that makes me love and hate it in equally passionate doses.
And alas, the back cover. (I told you this wasn't a long one).
On the top you get a hint of the "Tic Tac Toe" burger, which has a perfect "#" of yellow American cheese slices on it. Along with a grilled cheese sandwich with a whole serrano pepper on top, which is pretty damned hardcore when you think about it. Which hopefully, you won't.
Okay. This one was lightweight, I'll be the first to admit it. But stop complaining, it's free. And there's 4 more books in the series that get increasingly more insulting and hideously photographed as we go along. So you have something to look forward to as we approach the Halloween holidays.
If you'd like any of the recipes from this book... then you need to reassess where you're at in your life. But I'd be happy to look them up for you, because I'm so starved for the acceptance of strangers on the internet. It's sadly true. Were it not for my four friends who begrudgingly read my sloppily-fashioned and lazily-written (and overly-hyphen-friendly) posts, then I'd have no use for the internet at all. (So long as porn is still available in other formats. It is, isn't it?!?)
That's all for today. But in the near future you can look forward to a real treat I picked up in the discount DVD section at Fry's. It's a campy delight and will be a real Halloween treat. (Feel free to guess. You will be wrong.)
Until next time, my dark minions, Huzzah.
As promised, I've scanned the best bits of the first of five Better Homes and Gardens Cookbooks that I procured from Room Service Vintage.
Some things to keep in mind:
• This was the LEAST visually offensive of the five. I thought I'd start light and work my way up to the edible atrocities. Therefore, this has the fewest scans. The food photography and dishes are gross as hell, but there just aren't that many. This series will get better (worse?) as we progress.
• I've done no retouch. You will have a very hard time believing this, but I didn't jack up the contrast or tweak the colors or curves at all. Everything you see is as real and gross as it appears on screen. Only in real life it's bigger, more tangible, and scarier.
• Some of this looks like the food photography of the mid 1950's, which wouldn't be so upsetting if these weren't from 1964.
• These cookbooks were unused. The spines cracked like I was the first person to open them. When you see the dishes, you will know why.
Let's get cookin'.
Pretty benign from the front, right? Presaging the Rachel Ray trend of offering sit-down dinners in short order, this book promises that full, beautifully-plated meals can be put together in "under 45 minutes"! To think, with the advent of EVOO, Trash Bowls, hideously orange-handled utensils and toxic levels of perkiness, Rachel has gotten that number down to 30. Take that, Better Homes.
Mealtime, on time, will be NO problem. Because, if your man comes home from a long day of bringing home the bacon and there is no dinner on that table. Well, you may just have another one of your "accidents" where you "fell down the stairs." Dig? Ah... but I kid spousal abuse stereotypes of the early-mid 60's.
Aside from the main dish, which looks like broasted tomatoes and sliced bull penis cross sections, the rest looks surprisingly edible. (Unless you're some freak who doesn't like raw tomatoes. But I digress.)
Crack it open and the fun really begins.
"Hey! You got your meatloaf in my chili!"
"You got your chili in my meatloaf!"
"We both have heart disease even though we're only in our 20's!"
Yes, it's two great tastes that taste... um,... together.
I feel so bad for those two sad mushrooms just floating around in there. I hope they meet up. (I have a rich inner life.)
Mmmmm. Pink Parfait Pie. Would you like some coffee with your Teletubby Menstruation dessert? Ha! That's a trick, none of the teletubbies are pink.
And that's probably not even what menses looks like. I just thank god that I'm lucky enough not to know.
Your blender makes it fast. Your lack of taste buds makes it edible.
And I'm all for buying store brands or generics, but it can be taken too far. If you happen upon a can with no other markings than "Frozen Shrimp Soup" Do NOT open it. It is most likely not, I repeat NOT, food.
Again, I am curious how people weren't constantly hocking up phlegm-wads back then. Everything is so cream-based.
Baby Orange Babas.
In fairness, this might actually TASTE good. Oranges and yellow cake. I could see where this may not taste assy . The look, however, is another story. I've been trying to think of a good analogy for what it looks like and the best I can come up with is if David Cronenberg designed a modern wall clock and laid it on its back. It's a reach, but I dunno. I welcome your suggestions in the comments.
I am not a culinary expert. I have not studied at Le Cordon Bleu and profess to know no more of gastronomy than your standard neophyte hobbyist cook. Oh sure, I'll whip up a reasonable Chicken Piccata and churn out some middling-quality cookies. And lord knows I Tivo my fair share of Food Network shows, but I'm far from expert in the art of cooking. I do know this, however: Whipped Cream/pudding concoction, or whatever that is on those strawberry/peach shortcakes, should never - under any circumstances - be beige with a pistachio-green tint. NEVER. That dessert went to the twilight zone, never to return.
Meanwhile, a broiler pan of artery-cloggage awaits.
"Hey Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Oh... the usual: Steaks, ribs, au gratin cheddar-onion stuffed tomatoes, skewered cheese globs (?), hot dogs and bacon, all broiled for our convenience."
"I see, so it's just the two of us for dinner, then?"
This is a good menu for a CPR class outing.
I swear to you, I thought it said "Beasts from the Broiler" which is a good idea for a SciFi Original Movie starring Emerill.
Was the colloquialism "a jillion" in common use in 1964?!? Really? That's kind of amazing. I can't really picture my grandfather saying "Ginormous" but who knows? Anything is possible.
And Later, you can even broil dessert! I mean, why the fuck not?!? Broil it all. Broil the shit out of it. Leave that broiler on 24/7. This is America, goddammit! And here we broil out meats, veggies and even desserts. Those salads are just for decoration, you commie pinko pussy! Latch onto some broiled meat!
(yike.)
Oh, and to gay-it-up for just a second: That header font is BEAUTIFUL, isn't it? "Bests from the Broiler" dances gaily on the page in it's reserved-yet-bouncy Mary Blair universe of whimsy. It's basically too perfect, and because of that makes me love and hate it in equally passionate doses.
And alas, the back cover. (I told you this wasn't a long one).
On the top you get a hint of the "Tic Tac Toe" burger, which has a perfect "#" of yellow American cheese slices on it. Along with a grilled cheese sandwich with a whole serrano pepper on top, which is pretty damned hardcore when you think about it. Which hopefully, you won't.
Okay. This one was lightweight, I'll be the first to admit it. But stop complaining, it's free. And there's 4 more books in the series that get increasingly more insulting and hideously photographed as we go along. So you have something to look forward to as we approach the Halloween holidays.
If you'd like any of the recipes from this book... then you need to reassess where you're at in your life. But I'd be happy to look them up for you, because I'm so starved for the acceptance of strangers on the internet. It's sadly true. Were it not for my four friends who begrudgingly read my sloppily-fashioned and lazily-written (and overly-hyphen-friendly) posts, then I'd have no use for the internet at all. (So long as porn is still available in other formats. It is, isn't it?!?)
That's all for today. But in the near future you can look forward to a real treat I picked up in the discount DVD section at Fry's. It's a campy delight and will be a real Halloween treat. (Feel free to guess. You will be wrong.)
Until next time, my dark minions, Huzzah.
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