The
following is every meme I've seen on myspace in the last
six months. I copied them all and changed the answers. I'll
continue to add to the list as we go. Some questions
repeat. Sorry about that. -docM
1. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity
to?
I don’t even talk to people I like all that often.
2. Is it harder to be rejected or to reject someone?
I keep myself emotionally unavailable to prevent either.
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary
school?
Equal parts Oldies, Disco, New Wave, Johnny Cash and easy
listening.
4. What is the best thing about your current job?
Cash money, dawg. “Jeans day” is a close second.
5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was a required class?
Again, allow me to state that I hate everyone equally. Cell
phone or no.
6. What's the last thing you drank?
Krunk Juice… no, wait… it was a medium Diet Coke from
Wendy’s
7. Have you been on a date in the past week?
Dating is such an antiquated concept. I prefer
stuntfucking. And no.
8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
I’m going back to cali, to cali to cali, I’m going back to
cali… Indio to be specific.
9. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
No, but I did start working out because I’m too timid to
throw up (as a weight loss method).
10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Most of them are my age.
11. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn’t know what was
going on?
I operate at such an advanced level that I need to get
wasted to better understand what’s going on.
12. Do you like pulp-y orange juice?
Either/Or.
13. Are you touchy feely?
Please do not touch me and I will return the favor. I do
not trust myself and I get boners too easily.
14. Did you cry at your highschool graduation?
I laughed maniacally for hours.
15. Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun?
The sun is outside with germs. The tanning bed is inside
with germs. Is it so wrong that I just want to stay in my
house with my jars of urine?
16. What are two of your favorite places to eat?
Sushi Ichiban and Espana.
17. What could you tolerate...someone who snores or a sleep
walker?
I sleep so deeply that I will tolerate anything, including
a roofie-induced rape fantasy. (hint hint)
18. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
Hey, if it gets cold enough in the Antarctic I’ll swing
whatever way keeps me warm.
19. What is something random your friends make fun of you
for?
My intolerance of all things.
20. What's your worst personality flaw?
I’m mean/hurtful in an irritatingly “doesn’t give a shit”
sort of way.
21. Have you ever had any fake friends?
Fake? You mean imaginary or phony? Both I suppose. In some
instances I had some really phony imaginary friends.
22. Would you ever parachute off of a plane?
Depends on the in-flight movie.
23. Have you ever ridden an elephant?
I assume that elephant isn’t a sexual euphemism for
anything. If not, then no.
24. Are you Irish in any way?
For the right price I’ll be anything you like.
25. Have you ever ridden in a U-Haul?
Driven in one, yes.
26. Do you like to play Scrabble?
This question is similar to “Do you like to do recreational
things to have fun?” Stop insulting me with your inane
questions.
27. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
No. But I’ve heard they’re overrated.
28. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels?
I have. Did not like.
29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
I have never had, nor drank, your clever suggestion.
30. What are you saving your money up for right now?
Car stuff. Jeep stuff. Vacation. iPhone.
31. What was the last giftcard you received?
Barnes and Noble.
32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping, if so with who?
Never. Look at me. Get serious. I’m a monster.
33. Does the number of people a person's slept with affect
your opinion of them?
When the number crosses 19,999. So I have a poor opinion of
the late Wilt Chamberlain and of Gene Simmons.
34. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only
straight person?
At most parties I’m the only smart person.
35. What do you do when you spot a bug in your house?
Spray and Pray.
36. What is your favorite children's movie?
Herbie! (but not Herbie Goes Bananas, as he’d sold out by
that point)
Another
one!
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Blue Cheese 50/50 Creamy Crumbly. Don’t like Roquefort?
Then you are an inbred provincial.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
In-n-Out. West Coast-stylee
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
This is a hard list to narrow down. For Omaha I would have
to put in a top 5 in no particular order: España, Sushi
Ichiban, Rivera’s, Mark’s Bistro, and although it’s not a
restaurant… my kitchen. Because I cook like a mofo.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
20% to 25% I believe in tipping big. More for delivered
pizzas. I have a theory about it. Ask me sometime.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get
sick off of?
Sushi, if I had access to the full menu. I guess I would
choose a hearty chicken chili, since it would have the best
single-dish balance of nutrients for a couple weeks. I
would lose some weight, that’s fo shizz.
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Assorted meats
What do you like to put on your toast?
A waffle. Kidding… Peanut butter (fresh apple butter in the
autumn)
What is your favorite type of gum?
Minty, sugarless, long lasting
TECHNOLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?
50-ish
Number of contacts in your email address book?
my what? Gazillions, but I don’t keep in touch.
What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Right now, some artsy fartsy thing.
How many televisions are in your house or apartment?
2
BIOLOGY
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
I’m right handed, everything else swings to the left.
Do you like your smile?
No.
What's your best feature?
My ability to make people laugh
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
My will to live on various occasions.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
touch
What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
Weights at the gym. About my weight in freeweights.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Like in the movies? No.
CRAPOLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you
were going to die?
I already do.
Is love for real?
It’s as real as the world we perceive around us. Noodle on
that for a while.
If you could change your first name, what would you change
it to?
Rambo-Gandhi-Noah
What color do you think looks best on you?
Black (it’s slimming)
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
That was no mistake.
Has someone ever saved your life?
Lots of people probably have and we just don’t know it.
DAREOLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street
for $100,000?
Cash up front. Yes.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Unlike some ho’s that answer this question, I would like to
simply reply… depends on who.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off
for $200,000?
No.
Would you never blog again for $50,000?
In the unreasonable circumstance that someone were to offer
me 50K in cash to no longer express my ideas IN PRINT
ONLINE, I would consider it. But no amount of money can
stop me from speaking truth to power.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Full frontal? I suppose if I were properly “fluffed” and
airbrushed for maximum accentuation.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000?
Depends on the bottle, you dirty boy.
Would you give up watching television for a year for
$25,000?
Well, television gave up being good a long time ago, so
yes. But not movies or internet video. A man has needs,
dammit.
LASTOLOGY
Friend you talked to?
Amy Hansen
Last person you called?
Amy Hansen, to ask if tomorrow was “jeans day” at work
Last person that called you?
Monty, to tell me a gig fell through.
Person you hugged?
America’s favorite Home Office Brontosaurus.
LOVEOLOGY
Who's your current crush?
As in fanciful characters or people I have no chance with?
Probably John Murtha.
Does that person know?
Unlikely
Who was your last boyfriend/girlfriend?
Ol’ Righty. Lefty got jealous
Why did it end?
Sore forearms
What do you hate most about him/her?
Tight grip
Do you still talk to that person?
[redacted]
FAVORITOLOGY
Number?
No. 13 baby
Or 4 8 15 16 23 42 (but those numbers are bad)
Color?
Green
Season?
Spring (as in hope and eternal)
Band?
Simply too many to mention, but currently Andrew Bird
CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone?
I need to aim better
Mood?
Flummoxed
Listening to?
Chewing… which grosses me out
Watching?
The screen
Worrying about?
The clacking noise beneath my hood
RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning?
To the bathroom
What can you not wait to do?
Rock balls in California
What's the last movie you saw?
Blades of Glory (not the Cutting Edge, as previously
imagined)
Do you smile often?
Smiling is for losers
Are you a friendly person?
I am a Grade A Asshole.
What is in your left pocket?
My hand… touching my wiener
Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
No.
Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A little of both
Do you sit or stand in the shower?
What am I 90? I stand, but I do not pee. That is gross.
Could you live with roommates?
Indeed
How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A couple
Where were you born?
St. Joseph’s Memorial Hospital in Omaha, NE. They tore it
down to build a parking lot. I’m not joking.
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Got busted for speeding in Sarpy County three years ago.
Took the class. No regrets except for I wasn’t really going
all that fast.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I don’t want to grow up. Any ideas on how I can remedy
this?
40
Secrets About Yourself
1. What is your natural hair color?
Who can remember? Brownish. But a sickly brown.
2. Where was your default pic taken?
On stage at the Icehouse while I was irritating, er…
entertaining the masses.
3. What's your middle name?
[redacted]
4. Your current relationship status?
I gets my freak on, don’t you worry about that.
5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
I hope so.
6. What is your current mood?
Moist and meaty, like a can of Alpo
7.What color underwear are you wearing?
Blue on blue striped
8.What makes you happy?
I’ll get back to you.
9. If you could be with one person right now who would it
be?
I’m with that person, thank you very much
10. If you could go back in time and change something, what
would it be?
I would’ve taken weight training in Jr. High. I know that
sounds a little random coming from me, but I’m assuming you
mean to my own life. I suppose stop the holocaust or
something of that nature if it’s for the world at large.
11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you
be?
A bear (is that too obvious?)
12. Ever had a near death experience?
I’ve had kidney stones that sure as hell felt like it.
13. Something you do a lot?
Onanism
14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right
now?
You’ve got a friend by James Taylor
16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
Dominic Mangano
17. When was the last time you cried?
I cry at movies. Just like Whitney Houston sang: “I get so
emotional, baby.” And crack is whack.
18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Oh yes.
19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Telepathy, or whatever superpower gives you ripped up
6-pack abs.
20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite
sex:
Camel toe.
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Okay, this will read like a joke, but it is exactly what I
get: Tall half-calf skinny mocha, no whip. I’m not kidding.
22. What's your biggest secret?
People think I’m a narcissist, but actually I’m a
self-loathing wreck. It really isn’t a secret, though.
23. What's your favorite color?
Green
24. When was the last time you lied?
I never lie. One sentence ago.
25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Pretty much anything but Doodlebops or Dora.
27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Protein shake
28. Do you speak any other language?
Not well enough to claim actually speaking it
29. What's your favorite smell?
Baking cookies
30. If you could describe your life in one word what would
it be?
Spladau
31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
This morning
32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
Quite possibly
33. What are you thinking about right now?
I’m tired, my balls itch.
34. What should you be doing?
Sleeping
35. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
Work related items
36. How often do you pray?
I don’t. No offense to those who do.
37. Do you like working in the yard?
I don’t mind mowing, since I’m so damn sexy.
38. If you could have any last name in the world, what
would you want?
Rockafeller
39. Do you act differently around your crush?
I’ve been pretending to be British for years.
40. Name one song that reminds you of an ex.
My Humps
Any
teenager can write a survey about their favorite class, or
their secret crush, or how nice their car is that their
parents paid for. This is the survey for the older
crowd.
1. Do you have a college degree?
A Bachelor of Science degree in Journalism
2. What was the amount of your last electric bill?
Some-odd hundred or so. Eleventy one dollars.
3. Do you have life insurance?
Little bit
4. How many hours per week do you work?
40-50
5. Have you ever attended a Toastmasters event?
They used to meet in the same building I worked in years
ago (on John Galt Blvd. Here in Omaha.) I never knew what
they were all about. Like a speech class for adults?
6. Favorite place to attend Happy Hour?
Home.
7. How many miles is your commute to work each day (one
way)?
7.8 miles.
8. What time do you get up every morning?
5:30-5:45
9. What is your definition of sleeping in late?
9:00, although that never happens. I haven’t slept 8
continuous hours since Jr. High.
10. Do you check your cholesterol on a regular basis?
I just let it hover in the 300’s
11. How large was your first cell phone?
It was in a bag, with a strap. Like a purse with a phone in
it. I rarely took it out of my ’73 Plymouth Duster. I was
in High School and that qualified me to be a “rich kid” at
my school. Drink that in for a moment.
12. Does your employer provide good health insurance
Spectacular, actually. Full medical, dental, optical. No
psychiatric or specialty (elective dermatological), but
other than that the best I’ve ever had.
13. Did you ever use the internet to write a research
paper?
In college? Probably not, since I was using AOL 3.0 and
eWorld 1.0. I am fucking old.
14. Have you attended a HS reunion?
Had the opportunity and didn’t. I had a feeling that not
many of the people I hung out with would show up. I’ve
since discovered that they didn’t.
15. How many jobs have you held in your professional
career?
Well, I’ve held similar jobs across places of business. But
I’ve been three different genres of jobs: Radio guy, sales
guy, marketing guy.
16. Have you ever been fired or laid off from a job?
I never have. Although I’ve had shows cancelled, which
hurts worse. Because they don’t mercifully fire you, they
let you hang around and train your replacements. Radio is
the industry of satan.
17. What is your favorite drink?
Coke Zero. Sometimes Vodka. A little Crystal Light on
occasion.
18. What is the most expensive bottle of wine that you have
in your house?
Probably an $18 bottle of Moet or Frexinet.
19. Have you been divorced?
No, but some friends have. It’s sad.
20. How old were you when you stopped getting ID'd for
Alcohol?
I have only been ID’d once in my life for alcohol, and it
was AFTER I was 21. It was at the Ruby Tuesdays in West
Towne Mall in Knoxville, TN. I’ve always looked like I was
about 30.
21. Favorite casino?
The El Cortez in Vegas. It’s a total shithole filled with
despair and I love it. It’s like being wrapped up in a
misery burrito.
22. Are you happier now than you were in high school?
I am.
23 Did you ever have Hypercolor shirts?
Friends had them, and I got to touch them. It was an excuse
to feel up my friends. I didn’t get one because I don’t
like being touched.
24. Do you remember when Michael Jackson was black and was
attracted to older people?
I never got the whole MJ thing. Many of my contemporaries
are so in awe of his early work, but I couldn’t give a
shit.
25. Do you remember when MTV actually played music videos?
I have several unmarked videotapes of MTV’s 120 minutes and
Post Modern in my possession. I’ll pop them in sometime to
better understand what I liked about some of those songs.
26. Have you had a will made?
Working on it. I don’t really have anything, so is it that
urgent?
27. What music was in your cd / cassette player when you
were 16?
16, huh? Well, that’d be 1990. I would’ve had Pixies -
Trompe Le Monde in there (later in ’91), Replacements – All
Shook Down and B-52’s – Cosmic Thing.
28. Favorite fancy / upscale restaurant?
I’ll eat anything.
29. How long has it been since you attended a kegger?
I have never, in my life, attended a kegger. I didn’t
belong to a frat and I was a journalism/drama nerd in high
school. People like me didn’t get invited to the fun
parties.
30.Where were you when you found out about 9/11?
On the couch in my pajamas at 5420 Leavenworth. I was
eating a bowl of cereal and didn’t have to be to my job at
a news/talk radio station until around 10 or 11, so I was
just chilling. When the second plane hit I flipped out and
hauled ass to work where the shit was hitting the fan. I
called some loved ones and then started a rotating shift on
the board producing the non-stop news feed. I know this is
more than you need to know, but there’s something about a
unifying catastrophic event that makes people want to tell
their stories. I think because that’s how we, as humans,
try to make sense of a tragedy of this scale. It’s like we
try and reassemble the details to get our heads around what
the world was like leading up to the event. How we’ve
changed and how the world has changed around us. Blah blah
blah. Shouldn’t there be more questions about my favorite
pizza topping, or some other shit like that?
Oh good… how about these:
..Ok,
this is called FIRST REACTION... Type what comes to your
mind first whenever you hear these 41 words. Don't think
and don't go back and change. Doesn't matter how random
just type it! Repost it for all of your friends.
1. Beer: Bong
2. Anorexic: Effective weight loss method
3. Relationships: spatial
4. Your family: Guilt-arazzis
5. Power Rangers: The Blue One
6. Pot: Plant
7. The President: disgrace
8. Cars: Ric Ocasek
9. Gas Prices: $3
10. Halloween: Michael Meyers
11. Bon Jovi: tight pants
12. Ice Cube: Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta
13. MySpace: makes me stupid
14. Worst fear: falling
15. Marriage: illegal
16. Paris Hilton: a combination of business savvy and
inbred retardation
17. Brunettes: Bernadette Peters
18. Redheads: firecrotch
19: Politics: attention whores in suits
20: Pass the time: internet
21. One night stands: Comedy Central special
22: Cell Phone: Necessary Evil
23: Pixie Stix: tasty sugar
24: Vanilla Ice cream: Ben and Jerry
25: Port a Potties: Poop-scented greenhouse
26: High school: my formative years
27. Pajamas: for
28. Woody: Allen
29. Wet Socks: showering
30. Alcohol: for
31. The word you HATE: any word that comes out of Karl
Rove’s mouth
32. Your best friend: similar
33. Money: motivation
34. Heartache: the great unifier
35. Love: stamps
36. Time: after time
37. Divorce: a bummer
38. Chocolate: for
39. Karaoke: Islands in the Stream
40. Family: Sly Stone
41. Dreams: never erotic enough
>>>
Do you like the
toilet paper to be over or under?
Over. And frequently. I like a well-cushioned fundament.
Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?
Yes, but I’ve never had squab.
If you had to draw a picture right now, what would it be?
A Vonnegut-esque line drawing of something political.
Have you ever rear ended/bumped someone in a fast food
drive through? And was it an accident?
I have not. And how would I have known the true dark nature
of man’s intentions?
Have you ever had diarrhea and vomited at the same time?
No, but I could tell you a story about someone I knew once…
Would you rather sit on a fire ant hill naked or eat a
spider?
Wasn’t there a report about how many spiders we eat in our
sleep? So that one, I guess.
Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Diesel. Yes. Truck stop memories. It’s a road trip
sensation.
Have you ever spit on someone before?
No, because I feel it is the most disrespectful thing you
can do to someone in common human interaction. And I’m not
kidding. Spit on me and you will get a beat down.
Do you like shrimp or crab legs better?
The whole seafood platter. But scrimps are easier to eat.
Could you live without sex?
I suppose, if you call that living.
How many pillows do you sleep on at night?
One. And a big flat one I call a “mattress”
If you could be on the show Survivor with a partner, who
would you take?
I would not be on Survivor.
Do you call it "Kleenex" or "tissue"?
Kleenex
List one sexual fantasy:
Love… in an elevator. Living it up, as I’m going down.
Have you ever had pop rocks and coke in your mouth at the
same time?
I was quite the little fatty in Jr. High. So yeah,
undoubtedly.
Would you ride a bull for 1,000 that has previously killed
3 people?
1,000 what?
What is your pet peeve(s)?
Quizzes that are this overtly inane.
Do you like monkeys?
I don’t like anything that can fling it’s poop at me.
People included.
Is there someone you would marry right now, if they asked
you?
Maybe for 1,000, if they’d only previously killed 3 people.
What really makes your blood boil?
Being heated to about 300 degrees.
How do babies make you feel?
Superior.
Oreos or chocolate chip cookies?
Oreos.
Whats sexier...tan lines or none?
None.
Turkey or ham?
Club sandwich, baby
Foreplay - necessary or unnecessary?
Preferred
Would you or have you ever sky dived?
I would not. I like the insides of planes.
Have you ever poured glue on your hand just to peel it off
for fun?
This question is too stupid to warrant a response.
But no.
Pancakes or french toast?
I made kickass crepes this morning, no joke. So fancy
French pancakes.
Have you ever slept with someone that you know had no
'real' interest in you?
Well, that would certainly be karmically expected.
Favorite TV dinner?
Salisbury Steak in the old metal tray. Memories.
Ever gave money to a bum?
Oh yeah. Although I never carry cash anymore, which really
seems to piss of the bums.
Ever drank an entire bottle of tequila by yourself?
No. Nor would I.
Do you dog-ear pages of a book or use a bookmark?
Dog ear.
Favorite thing to do at your job (or at home if you don't
work)?
Create.
Your thoughts on cherry mash candy?
Gross regional candy treat. It’s too sweet and acidic for
my taste.
Ever had a secret admirer?
I doubt it.
Do you want to live where you are right now for the rest of
your life?
You mean in this kitchen? Probably not. But I’m a twig on
the shoulders of a mighty river. Gots to go with the flow.
What puts you in the best mood?
The peaceful quiet after a mind-melting orgasm. Although
it’s such a rarity, because usually I have to find a place
to dispose of the hooker’s corpse right away before the
conductor makes it to my car to take my ticket.
>>>
Dirty Little Secrets -- Answer
Truthfully.
1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?
Someone who doesn’t mind leaving me a voicemail.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your
cart?
I do, to the cart corral at least. I’m a good steward of
the parking lot.
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a
listener?
I’m versatile.
4. Do you take compliments well?
No. Nor do I give them.
5. Do you play Sudoku?
No. I don’t get it. It’s like a number crossword puzzle.
6. could u survive in the wilderness for a week?
At the wilderness Comfort Inn with free WiFi, yes. I’m not
an animal, I don’t sleep outdoors, thank you.
7. Do you like to ride horses?
Actually, I do.
8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
I did. I went to 4H camp once, believe it or not. I got
wicked sunburned.
9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Blow things up with M-80’s
10. If a person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was
married would u go for it?
No, because that’s a pretty shitty thing to do.
11. Have you lied to get out of a date?
Well, once yeah. Back in Jr. High.
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs
than you?
It would be very difficult. Only because my religious
belief is “not.” I’m not a douche about it, but it would be
hard to listen to evangelical proselytizing about how I’m
going to hell for taking the lord’s name in vain. I mean
come on. Jesus Fucking Christ! It’s insanity.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
I like the feeling of being pursued.
14. Use four words to describe yourslf?
Grape scented super genius
15. Do songs make you cry?
There’ll be sad songs, that make me cry. Love songs often
do.
16. Are you continuing your education?
I just took a level one course in Adobe Illustrator (to
match my mad InDesign and Photoshop skillz).
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
I do and I have. That said, I’m not particularly “pro gun”
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first
things you grabbed?
The fucking fire extinguisher.
19. How often do you read books?
I try to often, but I get so tired if I try to read in bed.
20. Do you think more about the past, present, future?
I live in all three, like Billy Pilgrim.
21. What is your favorite children's book?
Everybody Poops
22. What color are your eyes?
Hazelly McGreen
23. How tall are you?
5’9”
24. Where is your dream house located?
My dream house hasn’t been built yet.
25. Do you have a secret fetish?
A few. I’ve only told a select group about a select few.
26. Have you tried sushi?
Somewhere above is a reference to my favorite foods. Please
refer to that.
27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes.
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Month or two ago. Some may bash, but I like their unlimited
soup salad and breadstick for a light dinner.
29. When was the last time you were at Church?
Wedding or Funeral
31. What was your favorite job?
Morning Show Radio Host. It was, sadly, also my least
favorite job. It fucked me up real good.
32. Do you like mustard?
Oh yes. Very much.
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I have fallen asleep eating. The best of both worlds.
34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
More like my father.
35. How long does it take you in the shower?
I could stay in there all day with unlimited hot water.
37. What movie do you want to see right now?
If I have to pick a wide-release I guess Grindhouse.
38. If you could fast forward your life, would you?
To what end?
39. What did you do for New Year's?
Something uneventful.
40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Didn’t see it. But isn’t it just the ring in a different
setting?
41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls?
Haven’t seen it either.
42. Do you own a camera phone?
I didn’t need a camera on the phone, but had no option.
43. Do you have an "ex box" with pics and letters from past
lovers?
Why would anyone want something like that?
44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
Not that I’m aware of.
theres no 45 or 46.
Okay.
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
4-5. Unlike some, though, I don’t nap.
48. Do you like care bears?
I didn’t really “get” them. Like they have magical guts or
something? Pretty lame.
49. What do you buy at the movies?
If I’m pigging out, Popcorn, DOTS, and a diet.
51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
99% of the time.
52. What do you wear to sleep?
Boxers and a t-shirt
53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Define “big”
54. How many meals do you eat a day?
2 and occasionally oatmeal in the morning.
55. Is your tongue pierced?
No. I’m 32 for chrissakes. On me it would look equally
desperate and retarded.
56. Ever meet anyone you met on MySpace?
New people? I guess. Sort of.
57. Do you read myspace bulletins?
Many of them.
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
I don’t like people.
59. Ever been to L.A.?
Yes. And although it’s a Randy Newman cliché: I love L.A. I
will be there in about 80 hours from typing this.
60. Did you eat a cookie today?
No cookie.
61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Punta or Punto. I don’t remember which one meant “vagina.”
And vagina, as you know, is a horrible cuss word.
62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Paying is easier. Thanks iTunes.
63. Do you like chocolate?
I’ve been known to partake.
64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Each other. Inane shit.
65. Are you a gullible person?
I have my moments. Perhaps it’s gullible or naïve, but I
tend to believe that people mean what they say. Of course,
often they don’t.
66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Well, there’s someone out there for everyone I suppose.
67. If you could have any job what would it be?
Host on one of those Fine Living shows where they fly you
around to show off resorts and exotic cars and restaurants.
Rich Asshole TV.
68. .
69. What is your favorite time of day?
In the immortal words of Bob Seger: When the night comes.
----
1. Describe your ex in one word. Non-existent
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
Indeed. The Pilot G-2 Retractable.
3. Did you know that May 16th is National Piercing Day?
I did not. But since letting my one ear piercing close up
it wouldn’t matter. Perhaps I should get my nipples done on
that day. Perhaps not.
4. What does the 4th text in your inbox say?
On my cell phone? Um… It’s “Only when you get out for the
store no push thanks hon!” Make sense?
5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
My hair. But that was long ago.
6. What color are your bedroom curtains?
greenish
7. What color are the seats in your car?
Grey
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
No. All black, yes.
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
Last lease payment on my crappy VW. Since returned.
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
No. Former residents: yes.
11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
For food.
12. Who was the last baby you held?
Sam: a hearty pre-toddler.
13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?
Nope. In elementary school I knew Colin and Brandon. That
kind of rhymes. Sort of.
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
I do not.
15. What kind of Car were you driving 2 years ago?
The same crappy VW Convertible Beetle mentioned above.
16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
Hurricanes, which I also like to drink.
17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
I don’t believe I have ever gone.
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
None.
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
Folders
20. Last person to give you a business card?
Jen Miller at the Creative J.
21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
See what I put a stamp on above.
22. Closest framed picture to you?
No framed pics in this room (I’m at work)
23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
When I went out to a restaurant. So lunch today.
24. What did they cook for you?
Pad Thai
25. How many emails do you have?
Accounts? Like 5. But there are 961 messages in my inbox.
26. Last time you received flowers?
I got a Gerber Daisy years ago. They’re my favorite flower.
27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only
a man & woman?
Would that be the sanctity of a Brittney Spears 48-hour
marriage? I think not.
28. Do you play air guitar?
I play real guitar.
29. Name the people who like to show you their "naughty"
piercings?
I would need to get them first. Perhaps on National
Piercing Day.
30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Splenda and artificial nonfat creamer powder
31. Do you have any willow tree figurines?
Wow. What a great question. No.
32. What was your high school's rival mascot??
A small king (a monarch) holding a scepter.
33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Matt Sweeney. He found me on myspace.
34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
I wash regularly. I sanitize whenever I touch people,
because they are dirty.
35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
I play the drums. I would like to con someone into getting
me a drum set.
36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
Off-white.
37. Would you let gay Mickey PIMP you out on eSellOut.com?
Another award-winning question. I think more research is
required.
38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
About some dentist who sort of looks like Shrek. But that’s
the middling quality you’d find in an outdated fossil of a
newspaper like the Omaha World-Herald.
39. What was the last pageant you attended?
By court order I’m not allowed to go.
40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Bene Pizza and Pasta
41. Have you ever worn a crown?
A crown of thorns, when I died for your sins. J/k!
42. What is the last thing you stapled?
Some papers for a co-worker
43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
I did. And I was one of the few who liked it.
44. Are you ticklish?
In places. Like IHOP.
45. Last time you saw fireworks?
Driving to a comedy show in Minnesota. About a month and a
half ago.
46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Been a long time. Trying to watch the waistline, fool.
47. Who is the last person that left you a message?
Monty
48. Last time you parked under a carport?
Last time I was in Tennessee I suppose. So October ’06.
49. Do you have a black dog?
No. But I’ve heard Led Zeppelin’s rendition.
50. Do you have pickles in your fridge?
Yep.
51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Neither. I’m a second and third cousin, though.
52. Who has the nicest eyes that you know?
This will sound conceited, but I think I do. They’re
dreamy.
53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
On the drive into work this morning.
54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
I would prefer to forget. ‘Cause I hate everything about
you!
55. Do you have a "notice me" part on your body?
I’m the wrong person to ask. My guess is, no. My strengths
aren’t physical attractiveness.
The Mature People Survery
Body: The Mature People Survey
(Meant to be completed by those out of high school)
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'Missed someone?'
'Told someone you loved them?'
'Drank alcohol?'
Here
are 50 questions for the people who are a little more
"MATURE"...
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Student Loan
2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Every dinner I make is romantic, fool!
3.When was the last time you puked from alcohol?
This has never happened.
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
I don’t do that.
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Dahl… wait, that might have been second. Something
that starts with a “K”
6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting down.
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Psychology/Parapsychology
8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two (in the same state system) UNL, UNO
9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It covers my nudeness
10. GAS PRICES?
I’m for them, I guess. If it were free there would be
riots.
11. Where would you move if you could move anywhere?
To the living room. But after doing squats tonight I cannot
move anywhere.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Have to pee… have to pee…
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
My arm is going numb
14. Favorite style of underwear?
Boxers, or whatever happens to enhance my modest package
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
N/a
16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Ironing
17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
At the sperm bank Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Tip
your waitress.
18. Get up early or sleep in?
I’m always up early. Relaxing is for other people.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
I share many traits with Brian Griffin, so I’ll go with
that.
20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy?
Anything that didn’t leave room for the holy ghost
22. When did you first start feeling old?
15. That isn’t a joke.
23. Favorite 80's movie?
Sixteen Candles
24. Your favorite lunch meat?
A nice lean pastrami
25. What do you get everytime you shop at sam's club.
I get a hard time for not having a Discover card (wokka
wokka)
26. Beach or lake?
Beach
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Please read the book Marriage: A History. It’s fascinating.
I’m reading it now.
29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Porn
30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out
about?
It would have to be pretty mainstream. All my friends know
that I love crappy movies. The original Herbie: The Love
Bug, perhaps.
31. What's your favorite alcoholic drink?
Absolut Citron, Diet Coke and a lime twist. I call it the
Siberian Sunrise. No carbs, just a few calories, and gets
you shitfaced. Truly manna from heaven.
32. Cowboys or Indians
Indians have hotter outfits
33. Cops or Robbers?
Robbers if they’re doing it for a good reason.
34. Who from high school would you like to run into?
Any jock that is now fatter than me.
35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right
now?
105.1. Which is the empty signal that my Kensington iPod
transmitter works on.
36. Movies or Documentaries?
Documentaries can be movies. So both, I suppose.
37. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
Wow. Flashback ’89. Simpsons, I guess.
38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take
back?
The one night stands.
39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from
you at work?
I like who sits next to me. Let’s leave it at that.
40. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Let’s not tease my already tenuous grasp on reality, shall
we?
41. What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner
with?
Living or Dead? Steve Jobs, perhaps. Although we’d have to
go to a Vegan place, so that would suck.
42. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
One that doesn’t snore louder than me.
43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its
intended purpose?
To put out a fire, I presume? Yes. Also to bludgeon a
villain in a comical exchange.
44. Last book you read for real?
Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut. Although there’s a couple
summer’s worth of reading on the nightstand.
45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Not on me.
46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
In a car I was driving.
47. Somewhere in California you've never been and would
like to go?
Frisco.
48. Do you go to church?
For weddings and funerals. Amazingly I don’t burst into
flames when I walk in the door. But somehow that just
proves I’m right, doesn’t it?
49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new
career or a new relationship?
If this is an either/or, I’ll take career.
50. Just how OLD are you?
32, and thank you for asking.
Tired
of those same old 50 "questions about me" surveys?
Well here are 50 I almost guarantee you've never
answered.
1. Are any of your toes on your foot connected?
Well, my toes are connected to my foot. And I’m thankful
for it.
2.Which do you use more a pen or pencil?
A MacBook Pro Keyboard, fool.
3. Look at your planner for june 30th what if anything do u
have planned?
It’s a Saturday. So nothing official, but I’ll be going to
the gym and the grocery store, I would bet.
4. Do you use toothpaste?
I’m not a hobo, so yes.
5. What was the last thing you dreamed about?
It was pretty boring. It involved falling.
6. What color is your bedroom carpet?
beige
7. How many passengers does your car hold?
It will hold five in a pinch. Four comfortably.
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
See above.
9. What is your favorite canned soup?
I like a good New England Clam Chowder
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Russia?
Nyet.
11. Did you ever go into a room and forget what you went in
there for?
I have.
12. Who is the last baby that you held?
I try not to hold them. I’m afraid I’ll give ‘em the old
Lenny from Of Mice and Men, if you know what I mean.
13. Do you know all the words to the star spangled banner?
Hum a few bars and I’ll play along.
14. Do you have any moles?
Unfortunately, yes. I lost the genetic lottery. But don’t
feel bad, I’ve been over it for literally minutes.
15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
See all above references to my absurdly shitty former VW
bug.
16. Pick one, having an std or sharing a bed with michael
jackson?
Depends on the STD, doesn’t it. Can guys get a yeast
infection? If not, then I’ll take that one.
17. Last time you went to a zoo?
About a year ago.
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
No. It is an abomination before the lord in most
applications.
19. Closest thing to you that is plaid?
My shirt has a subtle gingham pattern right now.
20. Last person to give you a hicky?
This has never happened.
21. Who is the last person who wrote you a check?
Uncle Sam for my tax refund.
22. How many unframed pictures do u have in your house?
I’m a grownup, so they all get framed unless they’re on the
fridge.
23. Last time you had a date that began with dinner and
ended with lunch?
I guess I’m still on that date?
24. Have you ever applied for a job where the waitresses
wear shorty shorts and halters?
Have I applied at Hooters? Not that I recall.
25. How many pairs of underwear do you have?
20-ish. Lots of stylish boxers. I’ve been discarding the
ones with holes lately, which I think is very mature of me.
Don’t you?
26. Last time you received flowers?
Years ago, but don’t feel bad for me. I don’t.
27. Do you play with your hair?
I did when I had some.
28. Do you take anything in your coffee?
I think this is a repeat, but Splenda and artificial
fat-free powdered cream product
29. Do you have any marshmallows?
No. But I can make them, which is better.
30. Who was your high school's most popular female?
Some girl whose name ended in a vowel.
31. Last person who told you to f off?
I’m sure most people are thinking it.
32. Last time you used mouthwash?
I brush.
33. Would you like to learn to play the harp?
So I can rock out to Joanna Newsome? Why not.
34. How many entry ways are there into your living room?
3
35.
Last thing you read?
i've been working on some web pages so i've been reading
tons of HTML codes. its exciting isn't
it
36. What was the last pageant you attended?
the only pageant i've ever even watched is about 10 minutes
of this years Miss USA and that was only because I knew
someone in it.
37. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Little Ceasar's
38. Ever rode in a limo?
a few times
39. What is the last thing you stapled?
paperwork at the hotel
40. Did you ever drink milk & Pepsi?
together? eww...
41. Are your feet ticklish?
Yes
42. Last time you saw fireworks?
new years
43. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
not sure. i think its been a while
44. Who is the last person that drove u some where?
dad i think
45. Last time you parked under a carport?
never that i know of
46. Do you have a black dog?
my first pet was a black dog
47. Do you have any A1 in your fridge?
i think so
48. Are you a dominating person?
not usually
49. Who has the prettiest toes that you know of?
i think the author of this survey has a foot fetish. there
are an awful lot of feet questions
50. When is the last time you saw a transvestite?
why, vegas of course.
Body:
Questions to Start the Summer
1. Are you in a relationship?
It could be argued that I am in several, with all of the
people I know.
2. Do you hate more than 3 people?
I am so full of unfocused rage you have no idea.
3. How many houses have you lived in?
4, not including a dorm
4. What is your favorite candy bar?
Caramello
5. What are your favorite shoes?
I stole some Merrill slip ons that I truly enjoyed until I
destroyed them.
6. Have you ever tripped someone?
Elementary school?
7. What was your least favorite subject this year?
Paris Hilton
8. What was your favorite subject this year?
Politics and how to fix it.
9. Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
I freely admit that I bought the single of “Toxic” off of
iTunes. So sue me.
10. Have you ever thrown up in public?
Not as a performance art piece, but people have witnessed
it.
11. Name something that's always on your mind.
My waist. And my waist is a terrible thing to mind.
12. What is your favorite music genre?
Smart rock for future nerds.
13. What is your sign?
Scorpio
14. What time were you born?
1:23a.m.
15. Do you like beer?
Not really. I never latched on to the wheat-ey taste
16. Have you ever made a prank call?
Guilty.
17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
Hulk Hogan’s Hulk Rules!, but I got it as a joke, so it’s
intentionally embarrassing.
18. Are you sarcastic?
Oh you KNOW that I’m not sarcastic.
19. What are your favorite colors?
Greenish and green derivatives.
20. How many watches do you own?
I miss my old Swatches. There were many
21. Summer or winter?
Neither.
22. where did this question go?!
To question hell.
23. What is your favorite color to wear?
Black is slimming, so I’ll go for this.
24. Pepsi or Sprite?
Diet of both… or neither
25. What color is your cell phone?
Silvery plastic
27. Have you ever slapped someone?
In Jr. High. I got in-house suspension.
28. Have you ever had a cavity?
A few.
29. How many lamps are in your bedroom?
two
31. What was your first pet?
A dog
32. Have you ever had braces?
I opted for the retainer.
33. Do looks matter?
In the real world, yes.
34. Do you use lip gloss?
Not as a rule.
35. Name 3 teachers from your school.
Bev Ruff, Janie Summers and the late Shirley Minton. (all
from High School)
36. American Eagle or Abercrombie?
Well, both are overpriced shit, but I guess I would go with
Abercrombie, since they used to be worthwhile
37. Are you too forgiving?
More likely not enough.
38. How many children do you want?
None right now.
OH WHERE OH WHERE DID 39 & 40 GO?? OH WHERE OH WHERE
COULD THEY BE??
41. Do you own a gun?
Believe it or not, I do.
42. Have you ever thought you were in love?
I’ve thought it. I’ve turned out to be right at least once.
43. When was the last time you cried?
It happens more often than you think.
44. What did you do 3 nights ago?
That would be Thursday night.
45. When was the last time you went to Olive Garden?
A month and a half ago, more or less. Unlimited soup and
salad lunch combo. I recommend it.
46. Have you ever called your teacher mom?
Not out loud, no.
47. Have you ever been in a castle?
Does Biltmore Estate count?
48. What are your nicknames?
Schlongo fantastico.
49. Do you know anyone named Bertha?
No.
50. Have you ever been to Kentucky?
I have driven through it multiple times
51. Do you own something from Banana Republic?
Yes, although I never wear it.
52. Are you thinking about somebody right now?
I’m thinking about lots of things right now.
53. Have you ever called someone Boo?
Yes, but it was with an ironic lilt in my voice.
54. Do you smoke?
Yuck No.
55. Do you own a diamond ring?
No
56. Are you happy with your life right now?
I am, actually. There are things I would change, but for
the most part things are grand.
57. Do you dye your hair?
I have, but now that there’s no
58. Does anyone like you?
Does anyone really know?
59. Do you like someone?
I tend not to like people, as a rule
60. What were you doing May of 1994?
Living in Lincoln, in the dorms. Going to class.
61. Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
I might
62. McDonald's or Wendy's?
Well, McNuggets are pretty grand
63. Do you like yourself?
I have my moments
64. Are you closer to your mother or father?
I wish I were closer to both.
65. Favorite feature of the opposite sex?
Tigolbitties?
66. Are you afraid of the dark?
I’m more afraid of certain types of light.
67. Have you ever eaten paste?
No.
68. Do you have a web cam?
Built into the MacBook Pro, fool.
69.Why don't you?
Well I do.
42 Things Rarely Asked..
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No. However I have been pulled over numerous times for
suspicious behavior. That’s just how I behave.
2. Do you have any weird sleeping habits?
In the winter I need the furnace to be all the way up and
in the summer I need the A/C to be all the way down.
3. When was the last time you've been swimming in a lake?
I don’t know how to swim. Don’t yell at me, I just sink.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone, or alone?
Depends on the size of the bed.
5. What’s hurting you right now?
My back. Deadlifts last night.
6. Do you consider yourself creative?
I do, in fact. Don’t you?
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Let me answer that question with a question; are you
retarded?
8. Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears?
Christina is the better singer.
9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?
Nobody has ever survived for this to be an issue.
10. Do you know how to play poker?
Poker? I hardly even know her.
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Three or four times.
12. What's your favorite commercial?
There’s a European Honda ad with Garrison Keillor singing.
It’s fab.
13. What type of food do you eat the most?
My own cooking.
14. When was the last time you had a lot of fun?
Please define “a lot” I may never have.
15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco?
How does this question always end up in these stupid memes?
(Yes I have)
16. The Boston Red Sox or the New York Yankees?
Not being a sports guy I’ll have to go with the
better-marketed Yankees.
17. What kind of underwear do you have on?
Boxers. Almost always with a festive print, not novelty
boxers, mind you. Just a tasteful pattern.
18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Maybe once or twice a year.
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
Years and years ago.
20. What is your biggest fear?
Falling prey to believing my own bullshit.
21. What's the one thing on your mind right now?
How can I escape?
22. Ever danced in public?
I do because I’m shameless.
23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?
No. Why would I? Isn’t the gravy salty enough?
24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
94% of the time. Sometimes when I’m too sweaty after the
gym I throw caution to the wind.
25. What cell service do you use?
AT&T (the new Cingular)
26. Do you like bananas?
I do, but they make me farty.
27.Have you ever almost gotten into a car accident?
If you mean have I narrowly avoided car accidents, then
yes. Many times.
28. What do you wear to bed?
In the summer, boxers. In the winter flannel pajamas and
socks. Once in a great while totally naked, although I
don’t know why. Is anyone really impressed by that
behavior?
29. Ever anything?
Always and forever.
30. Do you know how to play pool?
Not well.
31.Do you like scary movies?
I’m fine with them, but I don’t gravitate toward them.
32. Do you truly love someone?
Very much so.
33. Bluegrass or rap?
I play both, man.
34. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it
be?
Paris Hilton, but only because it’s my turn. ZING! Just
kidding, of course. I’m not really attracted to
celebrities.
35. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole?
Skim.
36. What food do you find disgusting?
Raw coconut. It grosses me out. However I can handle
toasted macaroons, so go fig.
37. Would you change something about yourself?
A few things. Abs rather than gut, firm round ass, no
back/shoulder/stomach hair, extended wang, full head of
hair, 7% body fat. Learn a couple more languages, the list
goes on and on.
38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me
yours"?
No. I was a weird shy kid with few friends my age. So not
much has changed.
39. If you could have just one thing right now, What would
it be?
At this moment, maybe a massage.
40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Not that I recall.
41. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror?
Yes. Nothing you’d want to watch, though.
42. Last person who slept in your bed?
You call that sleeping? (Double-Zing!)
Fresh
as of 10/1/2007
"My 70 Confessions"
1. Who
was the last person to call you baby?
Probably my mom, which is appropriate.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your
cart?
Always. As I’ve stated in a previous answer, I’m a good
steward of the parking lot.
3. If you could kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
Yes, only with tongue.
4. Has someone ever sang a song to you?
Yep.
5. Do you play Sudoku?
No, but I’m more of a Super-Jumble kind of guy.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
Without the internet? Damn. I suppose I would depending on
the intensity and ferocity of the wildlife. I tend not to
get too far into the wilderness, so this is a very
difficult hypothetical.
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first
thing you would do?
Remove things in this order: living things, computer,
important records (like medical records, not music
records), musical instruments. Let the rest burn, as it’s
insured.
19. Who was the last person in your bed?
By person I assume you mean alive, right? Just kidding.
20. Who do you text the most?
Probably George.
21. Who last said they loved you?
I think it might have been my mom, again. On the phone.
22. What color are your eyes?
Greenish
23. How tall are you?
5 foot 9 inches, no matter what people say.
25. Do u like your parents?
I love ‘em. We have our disagreements, but all in all we
enjoy each other’s company.
26. Do you secretly like someone?
I secretly dislike many.
28. Who was the last person you said you loved on the
phone?
Please see above. kthanxbai
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled?
Bemidji, MN to the North, San Diego to the South
32. Do you like mustard?
Love it. Prefer it to catsup on fries.
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep.
35. How long does it take you in the shower?
I could stay in there until the hot water runs out. On
average 10-15 minutes.
36. Can you do splits?
I used to be able to. My guess would be no, but why would
you want me to?
37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Anything that lets me watch it on the couch in the living
room. Rushmore is always a safe bet.
39. What did you do for the last New Year's Eve?
Hung out.
40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
I didn’t see it. But yes.
43. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No. She was a smarty pants.
45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
s
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
5 to 6.
48. Do you like care bears?
Care Bears? No. But a bear who cares… well that describes
me, no?
49. What do you buy at the Movies?
Last time: Snack size popcorn and a medium diet.
50. Do you know how to play poker?
A couple variations, yes. But I suck at it. Or do I? I may
be bluffing. You don’t know!
51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
I do. You should too.
52. What do you wear to sleep?
Boxers, or if I’m cold then a three-piece suit… with
boxers.
53. Anything big ever happen in your town?
The reuben sandwich was allegedly invented here. College
World Series.
54. Is your hair straight or curly?
My hair is gone. Actually, the hair on my head is gone.
Everywhere else I’m a wolverine.
55. Is your tongue pierced?
No. I have thought about it, but it would be too damaging
to my diction and precise annunciation. Maybe I’ll get
nipple rings, though. That’d be hot.
56. Do you like Liver and Onions?
I’m not partial to it, but I’ll eat nearly anything. Liver
is a little too fatty for my preferred diet, though.
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Just so long as they’re not funnier than me. Then we have a
problem.
59. Ever been to L.A.?
Yes. I love (parts of) L.A. Venice, Malibu, etc. All good.
60. Who is on your mind right now?
My boss and when she’s going to walk in and catch me
answering these questions.
61. Any plans for tonight?
Sleep off this head cold.
62. What's your favorite song at the moment?
Treat the New Guy Right by Silkworm
63. Do you hate chocolate?
I love it. But it doesn’t love me back.
64. What do you and your mom fight about the most?
Trivial shit.
65. Are you a gullible person?
I used to be very naïve. I’ve become considerably more
jaded over the years.
66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Do I or does anyone? How do you gauge that happiness. Think
about your question and ask again later.
67. If you could have any job what would it be?
I actually thought about that this weekend. I’d like to be
a “concept guy” for a company that made cool ideas into
reality. I don’t know what that would be called. Possibly
“Art Director”
68. Are you easy to get along with?
Not particularly. But once you get beneath the rough
exterior you’ll find there beats a heart of pure gold.
69. What is your favorite time of day?
Dusk
70. Are you a generally happy person?
I may not appear that way, but I’m pretty happy.
10.12.07
Honestly...
Be Honest
What color is your underwear? Currently greenish boxers
with palm trees on it. I like festive underpants.
What's on your mind right now? Concern over what’s going to
happen. How much I hate autumn. The usual swirling demons.
What are you doing right now? Avoiding the massive pile of
work I need to get to.
What did you do today? It’s only 9:20am, so very little as
of yet. I got up.
Do you think you are attractive? Does it matter what I
think?
Have you done something bad today? Does Onanism count?
Are you jealous of someone right now? People who have their
shit together.
What makes you happy most of the time? Predictability, I
guess. This is a trick question. Why would you assume that
I am happy most of the time?
Do you bite your nails? No
What is your mood right now? Vacillating between panic and
malaise
Do you have an eating disorder? I eat too much and too
often. Otherwise no. I don’t think they call that a
disorder anymore. I think they call it being an average
American.
Do you want to see someone this very minute? I’d like to be
able to see everybody.
Do you have a deep dark secret? Secrets, yes. But they’re
not that deep or dark. Probably pretty mundane.
Do you hate someone right now? Not counting myself? Nah.
Are you loyal? Fiercely. To a fault sometimes.
Are you in denial? If I say no isn’t that just proving your
point?
Wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? 9.5 times out
of 10 the answer is yes. Strangely right now I’m in that
other .5 time.
Have you ever consumed alcohol? Quite a bit in the 90’s.
Have you ever done drugs? Nothing that wasn’t prescribed by
my doctor. My doctor, BTW, is Dr. Feelgood.
Do you like someone? Yes
Does anyone like you? I don’t often give them reasons to.
Is it going anywhere with them? Going anywhere with who on
the what now?
Did you answer all these questions honestly? Unfortunately
for you, the reader, yes I did. Although I make no
guarantee as to their accuracy.
94
Questions People Wouldn't Ask.
1. When's the last time you held a baby?
Months. And that’s totally fine with me.
2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Some do. But they are stylish holes. And I’m a big fan of
stylish holes. Ahem. Yeah…
3. What book are you reading right now?
This very moment: A stupid question on a stupid survey. And
Freakanomics.
4. Is your lipgloss poppin'?
No. But I’m not a magical black girl who can make a school
burst into dance, either.
5. When is the last time you saw the person you like/liked
This morning.
6. What's your best physical feature?
Shoulders, maybe
7. Can you dance?
Confidentially, I can.
8. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
It’s very rare that I get 8 continuous hours of sleep or 8
total in a night. Most nights it’s 6 fitful hours if I’m
lucky.
9. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
I hope so.
10. What was the last reason you cried?
I was moved by something I saw. And that is all you need to
know.
11. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them
back?
I don’t even remember their names.
12. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what
would you do?
Get dressed, I suppose.
13. Who last called you?
Glen. Not the Glen I work with, but the Glen I know through
Jeff. Does that clear it all up for you?
14. are you in a school sport?
I’m not in a sport of any kind, unless there’s a
competitive stairmaster league I could join.
15. Do you own a pair of Converse?
bajillions
17. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
I try not to get the opportunity.
18. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
It would be easier to list the things I have not kicked.
19. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by
playing a bad one right after it?
So much so that I do not tolerate it. In this order:
iTunes, iPod, XM Satellite Radio. There’s always something
good on somewhere.
20. What is the most interesting conversation you had
today?
It involved a hot dog rolling under the stove.
21. Do you watch Trading Spaces?
Not to sound like an uppity euro-snob, but I honestly do
prefer Changing Rooms.
22. Have you ever discovered a secret place?
If I tell you won’t that ruin it?
23. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time
waiting for someone?
I guess.
24. What is your favorite time of day?
When I’m cooking dinner.
25. What is something you get complimented about often?
“Hey… say something funny. You’re a comedian, so say
something funny.” For the record, I’m a humorist, not a
comedian. And if you ever ask me to say something funny at
a party I will instead say something sad and hurtful. Ask
anyone I know. They’ve seen me do it.
26. Do you like the movie Titanic?
No. Nor the pornographic version Tit-Tanic
27. Do you enjoy scary movies?
I enjoy them more than I’m scared by them.
28. When is the last time you ate a vegetable?
Last night. Sweet potato.
29. What is tomorrow?
Hey… what ISN’T tomorrow?
30. Could you live without a computer?
I could live without lots of things. But why would I want
to?
31. Do you have any strange pet peeves?
Many. Primarily don’t spit on me. It pisses me off like
nothing else.
32. Have you ever painted a wall?
Several walls. But not Paul Wall. I wouldn’t want to get
paint on his Grill.
33. Have you ever sniffed a marker?
Saturday night. It was the highlight of the evening.
34. What do you do when you have a spare moment?
Black out.
35. Do you text in class?
I text WITH class.
36. Have you ever been to New York City?
No.
37. Do you have any strange habits?
yeah
38. What are you thinking about?
All the work I’m ignoring to do this.
39. Do you name inanimate objects?
You mean if they don’t already have a name? No. I’ve named
some cars in the past. But my new one is just named Jeep.
40. Do you stress out about your future?
I stress out about everything.
41. What was the last lie you told?
[insert joke here]
42. Have you ever eaten anything strange?
I’ve eaten many strange things. And I’ve almost never
regretted it.
43. Do you want to live near your current home when you
grow up?
The larger problem is I don’t want to grow up.
44. Any irrational fears?
Yeah. My fear of change.
45. Is anyone on your bad side now?
It’s all bad side.
46. What jewelry are you wearing?
n/a
47. What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Check email. Read the news.
49. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
No.
5O. How do most people spell your name?
Incorrectly. Frequently with an “E” on the end.
51. Would you wear your boyfriends/girlfriends clothes?
Have and will.
56. What are you doing tomorrow?
Work. Attend a staff meeting.
57. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
I don’t think JT will ever be that white.
60. Will you keep your last name when you get married?
Oh sure. Why not.
62. When is the last time you left your house?
7:25 am Today.
67. Do you return your cart?
To the cart corral.
69. Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes. And it ran last night.
70. What noise do you hear?
The printer spooling up.
71. Would you survive in prison?
Yeah, but not like I imagine I would.
76. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would
you?
Depends on the where, when and for how long.
77. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Not personally.
78. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Many, but I rotate out about 5 pair.
80. Whats the last thing you ate?
Tuna.
85. Where is your cell phone?
About a foot away from me on my desk.
86. Is your phone on vibrate or ring?
Vibrate only. Otherwise is stupid.
87. What brand are your pants right now?
Gap
88. What's your favorite drink?
Zero of the Coke or Pibb variety. Or Diet Dr. Pepper. And
for after hours, add vodka to any of them.
89. Do you like sushi?
LOVE sushi
90. Do you cut your hair every month?
Yeah. Myself. With clippers. Because I’m baldish
91. Do you go online every day?
Yeah, unless conditions prohibit.
92. Do you like somebody?
Yeah.
93. Does somebody like you?
I hope so.
94. Do you know someone that has changed your life?
Everyone I know has changed my life in some way.
UPDATES 1.1.08
Tired
of those same old 55 questions about me surveys? Well here
are 55
I guarantee you've never answered.
1. Are you taller than your best friend?
I am not. But that said, I don’t think 5’9” is short.
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
Pilot G-2 in black is my fave.
3. Look at your planner for October 14th, what are you
doing?
I’m open. Wanna do lunch?
4. What color are your toenails usually?
Toenail-colored
5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
Some work thing
6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
White
7. What color are the seats in your car?
Gray. I believe Jeep calls the color Silverstone
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
I’ve had a black cat.
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
A bill.
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
No. But I believe people do live there. Somebody has to.
11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
To pay for some Subway at the fucked up Subway on
156th
that
doesn’t take cards.
12. Who is the last baby that you held?
I HAVE BEEN ASKED THIS QUESTION BEFORE (see above)
13. Can you spell well?
W-E-L-L. It would appear so.
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Eh. I prefer cinnamon gummi bears
15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
A horrible 2003 VW Beetle Convertible. It was a shetbag.
16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
If the Hurricanes don’t get you, the gators will… or
Disney.
17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
I have never been to Six Flags.
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
No.
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
Mrs. Meyers liquid hand soap in Lemon Verbeena
20. Last person you gave a business card?
I get them all the time. Probably on my business trip to
Atlanta. I got tons of ‘em.
21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
Electronically it would be Progressive Insurance.
22. Closest framed picture to you?
Some old ad-art of South Africa vacations (yes… I’m in the
bathroom right now)
23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Last time I went to a restaurant. I like to do the cooking.
24. Have you ever applied for welfare?
No.
25. How many emails do you get in your inbox (excluding
spam)?
20-30 a day
26. Last time you received flowers?
Anniversary
28. Do you play air guitar?
And real guitar. Sometimes both at the same time.
29. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
Not in so many words.
30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Splenda and some fake powdered creamer. Just a touch.
31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
Gonna make this one a hard “no”
32. What is/was your high school's mascot?
Monarch – in butterfly form and in small abusive king
version. The official mascot was a king.
33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Um… in person would probably be Rosie Pham. Although, I
knew Monty in High School, but he went to Bellevue and I
went to Papio/LaVista. But I talked to him today. Does it
really matter?
34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Last Tuesday morning after taking the trash cans back from
the curb.
35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
I’m already proficient enough to get by in a pinch
36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
Off White/Off Yellow/Tan-ish. But the drapes are chocolate
brown and do a good job of hiding the skanky blinds.
38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
Something about stuff to do on the weekend, but I was
shocked by the way they changed the name of the section to
ETA. As in Entertainment Theater Arts. I didn’t think the
Hearld was clever enough to come up with something like
that.
39. What was the last pageant you attended?
Life’s Rich Pageant.
40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Bené Pizza and Pasta on Maple.
41. Have you ever worn a crown?
No, but I have a few in my mouf.
42. What is the last thing you stapled?
Work documents. For work related reasons
43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
I did. I loved Crystal Pepsi, actually. But I like novelty
beverages.
44. Are you ticklish
I am, unashamedly. It’s nice to know I still feel things.
45. Last time you saw fireworks?
New Year’s Eve
46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
It has been a very long time. Krispy Kremes, while evil and
delicious, are not conducive to a healthy lifestyle.
47. Who is the last person that left you a message &
they actually returned it?
Monty or Smed. Maybe both. Also this question is written
horribly. I assume you mean “I actually returned it” and
yes, I did.
48. Last time you parked under a carport?
In Texas, mid-December
49. Do you have a black dog?
No. However I’ve heard Black Dog by the Zep times too
numerous to mention.
50. Can you give one reason why David Caruso is allowed to
keep acting?
Because while he has sucked in everything since, he was
brilliant as the mute Kit Kat in Hudson Hawk.
51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
I don’t believe so.
52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
That I know OF? Elijah Wood, I guess. Although I don’t
actually know him, just OF him.
53. Last time you saw a mack truck?
Driving back from Blair, New Years Eve
54. Do you remember Garbage Pail Kids?
I have a box of them in the basement. I’m waiting for them
to become valuable. Should be any day now.
55. Do you have a little black dress?
No. A reasonable question, but no.
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
I really hope not.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
No.
3. New house?
I pretty much have one locked up. It neat, it’s new, and I
won’t be replacing it for a long time.
4. What will you do differently in '08?
Try to be nicer.
5. New Years resolution?
The usual: Lose weight, be more athletic, less sedentary,
watch less TV, read more, blah blah blah.
6. What will you not be doing in 08?
Hopefully, dying.
7. Any trips planned?
Ideally I will be going to Tennessee to help my folks move,
to Omaha/Council Bluffs where they will be moving, and
maybe to L.A. to see Smed and/or Disney.
8. Wedding plans?
I may be attending one.
9. Major thing on your calendar?
Move date. Mid-March
10. What can't you wait for?
Until I’m settled in the new place.
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I would like people to start getting along, and lighten up
a bit.
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
The gut disappears in 08, replaced by muscle. Target weight
will be achieved. I will start writing the book/script that
I’ve threatened forever.
13. What happened in '07 that you didn't think would ever
happen?
I agreed to move to Texas. NOBODY saw that one coming,
myself included.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I will try.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in
'07?
I will buy more form fitting clothes as I continue to trim
down. Working hard on the bod means I get to show it off.
16. Will you (start or) quit drinking?
I will drink roughly the same amount. Meaning I may get
plastered once this year.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
I hope so.
18. Will you do charity work?